Things your kids really, really want

The cover article in Macleans this week: "A Survival Guide to Gadget World".
I'm so glad I still live in the real world.
It's subtitled "what's good, what's better, and what's a waste of money: a shopping manual for those who don't speak geek".
Tell you what, friends and neighbours: some of it's good...some of it is arguably better than what you might have now...but most of it is a waste of money. In my view, anyway.
What your kids really, really want, it says, and then goes on to list a whole bunch of things our kids are really, really, REALLY unlikely to get. Here's the list, with my thoughts:
GAME CONSOLE. For what it's worth, Macleans recommends the Game Boy Advance SP, for $140, and says it's 'ubiquitous on school buses'. Wow. I imagine school bus drivers must love these things. Remember how, as kids, we used to antagonize school bus drivers to no end...by socializing with the other kids around us? Yeah. Me too. Kind of sad to find out that this is apparently no longer the thing you do while commuting to school...
Oddly, traditional gaming consoles are not mentioned at all. I think that's because everything in the world is going portable these days. And I seem to be one of a very few dissenting voices saying "if you can take home with you everywhere you go, why leave home in the first place?"
You want to play games, kid? No problem. The PlayStation 2 is downstairs. You have half an hour.
PERSONAL DIGITAL ASSISTANT: The "choice" model here retails for $230. We haven't switched magazines or articles here: this is still "what your kids really, really want", not "What to get your CEO father-in-law". The magazine claims that PDAs are being marketed to elementary school students now.
I had one of those when I was a kid. It was called...a NOTEBOOK! You can still find these NOTEBOOK things almost everywhere and they cost a damn sight less than $230. They're easier to use, too.
This is another case of vanishing childhood that really disgusts me. What's next? Nursery schools that stream for Masters in Business Administration?
Moving right along, MP3 players. The choice model here is the iPod mini, at $350.
Back in the ancient '80s, when Walkmans were de rigueur, I often railed against the lack of manners exhibited by the vast majority of their owners, who would blithely parade around town treating passersby to whatever "music" they were listening to. It didn't take long to notice that the quality of the music was inversely proportional to the volume at which it was played. That said, I finally broke down and bought a Walkman sometime in the early '90s. Didn't get to use it much before it was stolen, and never replaced it. I hear music with crystal clarity even in dead silence.
I've grown up with music in my blood. I can certainly understand the appeal of music you can take anywhere. But color me stupid: didn't we already have that, with the Walkman and the Discman? I grant you these MP3 thingies seem to have about a zillion times the capacity...but why? Were you really planning on walking around the world, listening to music the whole way?
Oh, I guess the nice thing about MP3 players is that you can play songs you've stolen...excuse me...downloaded off the net. Oddly enough, with recordable CDs you can do the same thing with a Discman. Again, at a fraction of the cost.
SMART WATCH: $199 (and up, of course), plus $14.95 a month.
Does it tell time? Yes? Good. It's smart enough for me.
But no, you've got to have your news bites, sports scores, horoscopes (good God!) and of course your instant messaging.
Instant: There's a word that sums up what's wrong with the world. INSTANT! Gotta have it now now now now now! Too late, it's obsolete, gotta have THAT instead! Gotta communicate! Never mind that I've got nothing to say, I'm gonna say it NOW! Gotta choke down my instant coffee, get in my car, drive like a maniac...GEDDOUDAMYWAY RIGHT THIS INSTANT! get to work and workworkworkworkwork and then come home and nuke my instant dinner and say hi to the kids because hello is one syllable too long and how was your day might actually provoke a response or oh shit a discussion got no time for that gotta get mywayrightnownownowandthengotobedandwastetimesleepingand
thengetupandstartalloverLIFEISBUTABLUR...................
Screw "instant". I immediately distrust anything that has that word anywhere near it. Didn't your parents ever tell you that anything worthwhile was worth waiting for?
WEBCAMS. $130. Kindly let me quote from the article here:

Girls are, like, all about socializing, and instant messaging and webcams allow them to break curfew without leaving the bedroom. If you do buy a webcam, beware that pleas for high-speed Internet access won't be far behind.

What's wrong with the above paragraph?

WHAT IS A COMPUTER, WITH OR WITHOUT WEBCAM, DOING IN A GIRL'S BEDROOM? Bedrooms are for sleeping in. Bedrooms are certainly not for any perverted hacker to get a look into. What are these parents thinking?

Then we come to CELLPHONES. "It's unheard of not to have one", says one kid who's certainly not my kid. The recommendation here is at first glance almost affordable: $49. But then, of course, you've got to pay for your calls, to and from, and now my curiosity is finally going to bubble over because all these things equal well over a grand and I just have to scream to the high heavens:
WHERE IN THE HELL ARE KIDS GETTING ALL THIS MONEY?
Last I looked, minimum wage didn't equate to $50,000 a year. Yet kids spend money in ways adults would never dream of: they buy lunches every day in high school; they buy outfits that cost as much as an entire wardrobe is supposed to. If they want something, they just get it. This culture of consumption was already taking root when I was in high school fifteen years ago...now, it seems to be completely inescapable. Do parents just hand their kids their bank cards, maybe as a substitute for spending quality time with them? You think that might be it?
If you don't, maybe you should think again.