ADULT CONTENT WARNING

DO NOT READ THIS BLOG ENTRY IF YOU ARE (A) UNDER EIGHTEEN, (B) EASILY OFFENDED, (C) NOT-SO-EASILY OFFENDED.

(I know, that normally means c'mon in! The water's fine! But really, what I have to write about here is not normal. It's sick and twisted and I'm only writing about it to warn people, so consider yourself warned.)



I MEAN IT.






I learned a couple of things this past weekend.
I learned that I am much more easily offended than I had thought myself to be. And I learned that past a certain point, absolutely nothing is funny.
We rented The Aristocrats. This movie was made by Penn Jillette (of Penn and Teller fame) and I won't even dare somebody to watch the whole thing, because I honestly don't think it should be watched. At all. Ever. If you can sit through the whole thing, you're made of stronger stuff than I am. If you find it funny, much less sidesplitting, well, I'm sorry if this sounds condescending, but I really have to question your humanity.
The premise is simple. It's the same joke told over and over and over again, by comic after comic, each putting their own spin on the following:
"A guy walks into a talent agency and says, 'have I got an act for you!' 'What's the act?' says the agent. The guy says "well, it's a family act, see, and...' this is the comic's cue to be as disgusting and perverted as he or she possibly can, for as long as they feel like spewing. 'My God, that's awful!' says the agent. 'What do you call it?' 'The Aristocrats.'"
George Carlin, whom I consider to be a comic god, trots out his version, and it has to do with defecation into a woman's mouth, described at great length. I listened to his trademark deadpan delivery and it was like a train wreck...I was disgusted and revolted and, yes, I have to admit, a little amused....horrified at myself for so being, mind you. But then out came the parade of comics and I quickly found out that Carlin had kept it clean. SQUEAKY clean. Perversion was piled on perversion, grotesquerie upon you-SICK-FUCK!-ism, and about fifteen minutes later I turned it off.
You know, if all you're trying to do is be gross, there's no humour in it. Not for me, anyway. What's worse, you get jaded to it very quickly. Incest, bestiality, whatever. Once you dive into the river of filth, you don't need to swim; the current will just take you, if you let it.
I didn't let it.
You know that rating screen you see before DVDs start? This one said not just that the movie was unrated, but also that its speech was protected by the First Amendment. And very quickly a revelation came upon me. I have always considered myself a proponent of free speech. Well, you know what? Somewhere between fisting a seven-year-old and licking vomit out of your Nana's ass, I found out I'm against free speech. I never thought I'd say that, but there it is. Some things just shouldn't be said. Some things, hell, shouldn't be thought.