No Expectations

A comment on the previous post asked me to explain what I meant by "having no expectations" in my marriage. Fair enough: it's kind of a difficult thing to grasp. I'm convinced many marriages fail because of unmet expectations, so I think it's important enough to post.
Ask my wife and she will tell you in no uncertain terms how difficult a person I am to live with. She'll tell you it's annoying to have to repeat everything four or five times because your husband seems to be incapable of hearing anything the first time. She'll tell you what a whiny brat I am when I'm tired; how I'm apt to kick the same goddamn obstacle seven or eight times and bitch about it being in my way before I think of picking it up and moving it somewhere else. And she could go on and on and on about my flaws and foibles: my absolute refusal to feel jealousy; my procrastination and forgetfulness (hey, put off something long enough and you'll forget all about it!), right on down to little things like how I will actually reach over my wife in the middle of the night to steal her covers, or how I'll get home from work, kiss her like she's an afterthought and go right for the computer to check my email and blogroll.
Ask me and I'll tell you how difficult a person my wife is to live with. It's hard to live with somebody who always has to be right. It's even harder to live with somebody who almost always is right. Add in her moodiness--I sometimes think her PMS is not pre- or post- but permanent--her insistence on being in control (she's most likely to be snarky when she can't be)...and yes, I can mosey on down the list of picayune peccadiloes like the fact the television must always be on in our house, even if Eva's engaged in sixteen other things (especially if, I mean)--or that she has a paranormal ability to detect the exact instant when my butt hits a chair or a couch; that's when she'll ask me to do something that more often than not is a room away from me and practically within arm's reach of her.
Does any of this stuff cause tension, anger, strife? Sure it does. But not much. Because we love each other unconditionally. It's just that sometimes it takes a second to process okay, this is a condition, and you love her no matter what condition you're going through, ergo, you love her through this. Depending on how frustrating "this" is, you might even have time to think I wish I could hate him for this, because fuck I'm mad!...and those are the times when things are said that are later regretted.
We love each other unconditionally. It's another way of saying we have no expectations. I don't expect my wife to be any one way. It's pointless, for one thing: she's so complex that I'll be wrong about seventy percent of the time, anyway. And on her side, I hate being expected to act in some way. It makes me feel like a little kid, and I resent that, especially when I'm acting like a little kid.
Does that mean I give Eva free rein to hurt me if she wants to? Or that I can do the same to her? Absolutely, it does. And therin lies the great beauty of unconditional love. (Incidentally, there is no other kind of love: anything claiming to be love, but having conditions attached, is a forgery, a fraud.)

One of Robert Heinlein's characters, in the masterwork Stranger in a Strange Land, was asked what "love" was. Here is the response:

"I'll give you an exact definition. When the happiness of another person becomes as essential to yourself as your own, then the state of love exists."

Eva makes every effort to keep me happy, not because I expect her to, but because it's important to her that she do so. And I try hard to keep Eva happy, again, not because she expects it of me but because it's important for me that she is.

Happiness is just like any other state of mind: a choice. If I find myself experiencing unhappiness, I can choose again. This is the source of the stability within me, which has drawn praise from diverse corners. People wonder why I'm rarely upset, and the simple answer is I often choose not to be. No great secret there, and it gets easier with practice. Eva is increasingly becoming much the same way. So we are constantly reinforcing our happiness together.

People--including Eva, sometimes--really shake their heads when I say I have no expectations that there even be a relationship between my wife and I. I certainly choose for there to be one. Every day, every minute, I make that choice, and so does she: we're still married, and ecstatically happy to be. But it is our choice, freely made: it's not coerced. To actually demand someone to stay with you for life on the strength of a single vow is, in my view, insane. The fact I can't conceive of a life without Eva in it does not imply she must be there. Eva is my preference; she is not my need. A relationship based on needs fulfillment will always fail: people change.

Do I struggle with this philosophy? Yes, sometimes I do. Nearly all of us are addicted to life's little dramas that depend on being "hurt" and needing "revenge" every now and again. But as I grow older and the desire for stability in my life really begins to assert itself, I find that these teachings work for me.