Pithy Questions, Pithy Answers

And now for something only slightly different:

If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to?

Naw. Just let her do it.

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Not necessarily. A totally broken man, broken by the command to clean the house before he uses the computer, yes.

Why is it that no matter what colour of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

...and why do they turn brown whenever I step into the tub?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Never. But the regular price does tend to fluctuate up and down. Does Christine Magee fluctuate up and down too? I leave that as an exercise for the student.

On electric toasters, why do they engrave the message 'one slice'? How many pieces of bread do they think people are really going to try to stuff in that slot?

Can we stuff the poseur of this question into a toaster for not knowing that if you're going to toast just one slice, you should use the slot so designated, so as to get an even toast.

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

Plastic garbage bags...have openings? Who knew?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

Of course! Where did you think the mate to that sock went?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'It's all right'? It isn't all right, so why don't we say, 'That hurt, you stupid idiot?'

Ah, but they always get my right foot. ALL of my right foot. So it IS "all right"...but they're still stupid idiots.
A better question is, when did the response to "thank you" become "no problem"?

In winter, why do people try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when they complained about the heat?

This goes back to the whole "I love summer, it's when I get to sleep in my nice air-conditioned flat" conundrum. Either you like heat or you don't, people. Make up your mind.
Corollary: why do people put sixteen blankets on their bed if they hear it's going to be forty below tonight? Have they forgotten they're sleeping inside the house?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

Why do men still stubbornly persist in trying to answer these questions?

If diamonds are a girl's best friend and a dog is man's best friend, who really is the dumber sex?

Women, obviously. When's the last time your diamond wagged its tail and barked like it was happy to see you? Diamond: dead lump of hardened coal. Dog: living affection machine. Take your pick.

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?

Because my father-in-law would beat the snot out of me.

There. That was easy. Ask me some tougher ones.