You're in your car, and the radio's on. A song comes on that you despise. So what do you do? Well, if you're just about anybody I know, the last thing you do is turn the radio off. And you never consider changing the channel, the way you would if you were at home and a really stupid commercial came on your television. No, instead, you turn the volume down.
Huh?
Still in the car...you're driving in the city. There's a red light, say, 300 meters ahead. Somebody zooms past you in a Mazda, doing thirty km/h over the speed limit, just so they can jam on their brakes five seconds later. Ever wonder what this wiseass is thinking? Ever wonder if people like him have brains to think with?
Then there's the cool dude who likes to lay rubber when the light turns green. Are you impressed with how well he can press his oh-so-masculine foot on to the accelerator pedal? Such skill! Such talent!
Are you one of those people who uses snooze alarms? Why do you do that? Instead of waking up every nine minutes only to slam your fist down on your bedside clock and go back to sleep, why not set your alarm for the time you actually want to get out of bed? That way you could actually sleep, uninterrupted.
If you're a guy, have you ever pissed in the bathroom sink? Are you absolutely disgusted at the thought? Why? It's okay, after all, to spit up all kinds of crap into the sink...you can bleed into it, no problem...heck, people even puke in it. But a little urine, washed down the drain quickly and quietly and with a fraction of the water it takes to flush a toilet...no, that's gross?
You want more advantages? A sink is the perfect height to piss into, even if it's seven a.m. and your penis is in the bathroom before you hit the hallway. You can't miss, even with the first blast.
An aside for you women out there who wonder why your guy can't seem to hit a toilet. A little experiment. Go outside to your garden hose. Draw a toilet-hole-sized circle on the ground. Now, grab the hose and hold it loosely, about fifteen inches...no, ten inches...okay, damnit, six inches...from the end and aim it at the circle. Quickly, jerk the tap on full blast and observe the results. I bet you won't hit that circle right away any more than once in ten tries....and you just might find yourself 'pissing' on your foot.
More bathroom 'huhs'...why in the name of GOD do some people actually care whether the toilet paper goes over or under the damn roll? It's asswipe, people. You use it to wipe your ass. And then you flush it down the toilet. Are you really that, pardon me, anal?
Do you enjoy taking baths? Really? I don't. There's something about sitting in dirty water that, I don't know, makes me vaguely ill. I supposed if I showered first...but well, then I could just, um, take a shower. Hmmm.
I know, I know, I'm weird.
Are you an anachronism who thinks suntans are healthy? I still know a few people like you. Hate to break it to you, but a tan signifies skin damage, not health. And skin cancer is anything but good for you.
Somebody at work today asked me where the garlic butter was. They were looking in the snack foods aisle and seemed surprised when I told them it was in the dairy aisle. At least once a week, somebody's in that dairy aisle looking for (frozen) Cool Whip. It's like they don't remember that it was frozen the last thirty eight times they bought it. I just don't get people, you know?
Now here's something I know is unique to me alone. When we bought this house, literally dozens of people told me it was the best investment I could ever make. That might be true, I don't know. I don't care. To me, a house is not some abstract 'investment' like a mutual fund or a bond. Try LIVING in a mutual fund! The purpose of my house is not to make me money. At least, I don't think it is.
Oh, well, that's enough ranting for one day.
No comments:
Post a Comment