And awwwaaaaay we go...

Last night was the first of seven adoption seminars we'll be attending into November. And while I can't say I will await the next six Wednesday evenings with bated breath, I can certainly report that the first class exceeded my expectations. That is to say that although I yawned maybe seventeen times in two and a half hours, I never did quite fall asleep. In fact, I was reasonably engaged in the discussion as it went around the room.
I was nervous, no denying that, especially at first. Practically the first thing I had to do was introduce myself to the stranger next to me and make small talk about 'what we hope to get out of this training and what we're bringing to it.' Three things: one, I'm reasonably sure that Doug didn't really care; two, not to put too fine a point on it, but we're all there for, umm, children; three, I'm not completely sold on discussing this very personal quest--which is what it looks like they're going to demand--in a classroom setting.
This first night strongly brought to mind our premarital counselling. That was something required by the minister who married us and I resented it. The mere thought of 'counselling' implied there was something defective about our impending union...not only defective, but requiring outside interference to mend. By all means, call in the hired help to deal with material concerns: erecting a fence, laying a floor, stuff like that. But psychological issues are my self-appointed domain, damnit, and I deem myself fully competent at their resolution.
That mindset melted rather quickly. It occurred to me as I was entering that premarital class for the first session that I had been married in all but name not once but twice, and I had been largely responsible for the first severance and entirely responsible for the second. Perhaps there was something I had still to learn.
And the first thing I learned there was that this attitude--'perhaps there is something I have still to learn' --is probably the correct one. In any case, it is certainly useful.
Some things I learned about marriage in that class: Generally, three periods of stress come standard with any marriage. One, predictably, is the first year. Many unions don't last four seasons. The second danger period is between three and five years, after the initial lust has eroded. And the third occurs after twenty five or so years, when the kids have left home and you discover you've lost sight of each other through all the child-rearing.
Another thing I learned specific to my marriage was that I held an approximately equal share of power in our relationship. I wouldn't have told you this going in. After all, Eva does all the driving, all of the finances, and all of the planning (this woman has lists of the lists she has to make!) But I realized after doing some relationship exercises that Eva wasn't likely to drive anywhere, spend a sizeable or not-too-sizeable sum of money, or plan anything at all without getting my input and considering it. If I hadn't been forced to learn this before the wedding, you can be damned sure that, laboring under the illusion I had no power, resentment would have built up by now.
Another thing I learned was non-aggressive dispute resolution. This is extremely useful: it stops discussions before they escalate to arguments and, done properly, avoids fights altogether. Basically, the idea is to avoid the word 'you' as things heat up. Instead of 'you never stop nagging, do you?', I learned to say 'I feel a little smothered here'. The best thing about this is that your mate can't refute it. "I feel angry." "No,you don't!"
Anyway, this adoption training looks to be much the same. They certainly don't pull any punches about the situations some of these kids come through before they hit their adoptive homes. Nobody said this was an easy path.
But sobering talk of the risks of adoption is tempered by its rewards: a mirror into my mind. Subsequent classes will cover attachment, separation and grief; discipline; matching issues, and so on. It will be interesting.