Kenny in Wonderland

Last Sunday, Father's Day, was also Sobeys Family Day at Canada's Wonderland. (Oops, sorry, Paramount Canada's Wonderland--they really get antsy if you forget the first word.)
Last year, Sobeys Family Day coincided with Chinese Day. Half of our store went, and was confronted with half the population of China, or so it seemed. At any rate, some people only managed three or four rides for the day: a huge waste of money, even with the deep discount thrown in. So the interest was considerably lessened this year...in fact, I was the only one to get tickets.
Eva dropped me off on our way back from the in-laws. Note to Paramount: create the drop-off zone so prominently and repeatedly signed as you enter the park off Rutherford Rd. If you follow the signs as they presently read, ("MUST LEAVE LANE BEFORE TOLLBOOTH"), you find yourself kicked out to Jane St. Hobson's choice: pay $7.50 for parking we'll use for four seconds, or walk roughly a kilometer across the parking lot.
Anyway, we hit TOP GUN first. I'd only rode this once before. While it does feature some interesting elements, the roughness of the ride is very off-putting. You are warned to remove hearing aids and earrings before riding--the only coaster I've ever seen that does this. Rather than put guests through this inconvenience, they ought to, oh, I don't know, smooth the ride out a bit...
Next up, a surprise. TOMB RAIDER: THE RIDE was considerably better than it looked. To get on this coaster, you climb up a ladder while the car is moving. A cagelike structure is is lowered into place against your back while you are still standing. The ride then starts to move, and you are thrust forward and down until you are in a prone position, face down.
This is a novel posture for a coaster. You really do feel like Superman, especially during a couple of quick corkscrews. Pretty neat ride.
You can't visit this park without a ride on the MIGHTY CANADIAN MINEBUSTER, celebrating its 25th year. This is a direct copy of the famous Coney Island Cyclone, and it packs quite a punch for a coaster less than a hundred feet tall. Two things struck me as I was taking my seat:
One, I'm fat. Two, they've added TOTALLY UNNECESSARY SEAT BELTS!!! I've ridden this thing maybe three dozen times over the past quarter century with only a lap bar for company. I'm sure of it. While some of the bunny hops do throw you a bit, it's nothing compared with, say, the Magnum XL-200 at Cedar Point, on which seat belts are an absolute must.
Still, this ride seems to be running faster than I remember it. Nary a trim brake as we neared the second drop. You get a fine da capo effect--that's roller-coaster-ese for "holy shit, that's gonna take my head off at the neck!" as you rocket under some Soak City waterslide or other. Very enjoyable ride.
A change of pace followed: I got suckered on to PSYCLONE. This is a cross between three venerable midway traditions: the Pirate Ship, the Round-Up, and the Uck-I'm-About-To-Blow-Chunks.
I don't handle swinging rides very well. I've never actually puked, but I have tasted lunch on a few occasions. Even a playground swing provokes a touch of nausea in me. Anyway, this thing, in hindsight, wasn't too bad, actually. I survived it. I could tell Dad was just waiting for me to yark. I never would have lived that down, so I kept my ruminant inside by iron force of will.

DON'T buy food at PCW. Unless you're rich. Really, I fully expected to get gouged, but they really know how to ream you: two cups of New York Fries and two medium drinks run you almost $18.00. What is this, a damn movie theatre?

We then hit THE ITALIAN JOB, this year's new addition and our longest line of the day: just over an hour...about the longest I'm willing to wait for anything. This coaster was only a minute long, but it was a pretty eventful minute. For one thing, it's got linear induction motors a la Top Thrill Dragster (albeit, of course, much less powerful). Still, you get shot out of the station and hit top speed of about 80 km/h (I'm guessing) pretty much instantly. I had no foreknowledge of this nifty feature, so its effect was doubled on me. Very shortly you come to a complete stop. Cue the special effects: jetting water, bursts of gunfire, gouts of flame, an incoming helicopter, and then you're off again, another linear induction boost into a dark "parking garage" tunnel, twisting and turning most enjoyably. You re-enter sunshine just before the statiom brakes and are treated to one final neck-popping sudden lurch. All in all, a fun experience.
The last ride of the day, as it turned out, was the VORTEX, a very slick, disorienting suspended coaster that is among the fastest rides in the park.
I stood and watched people--including a roughly ten-year-old girl--become EXTREME SKYFLIERs. In the end, I wussed out. More swinging, for one thing. For another, you're supported by gossamer-thin WIRES. For a third, I don't like venturing on anything the physics of which I don't understand. Bungee jumping is one thing. I get it. I'd never do it--what do you think I am, nuts?--but I get it. This--
Well, they don't even appear to WEIGH you. All too vividly I can imagine the result of them guessing your combined weight wrong. The bundle containing our precious bodies wouldn't skim the ground: it would hit and bounce, several times, snapping things as it went. My torso would arrive the Pearly Gates limbless. Not a nice image.
In the end, though, the thing that most dissuaded me from doing this was MONEY. It costs well over a hundred dollars to ride and get a video of your experience. This is skyway robbery--simply unconscionable. Just to ride this would cost nearly twice what it cost us to ride everything else together. Even though my Dad was okay with this--prepared to spend the money--I wasn't.
We left the park early as both of us were getting tired and we wanted to hit a restaurant before they all filled up (it was, again, Father's Day). I had a great time, though, and look forward to doing it again next year.