From the mailbox today...

A Rooney-ramble. I love these things--they give me a chance to define myself. On some of these issues, I agree wholeheartedly. On others, I vehemently disagree and think the man's out to lunch.

Where do YOU stand?

Andy Rooney said on "60 Minutes" a few weeks back:

I don't think being a minority makes you a victim of anything except numbers.The only things I can think of that are truly discriminatory are things like the United Negro College Fund, Jet Magazine, Black Entertainment Television, and Miss Black America. Try to have things like the United Caucasian College Fund, Cloud Magazine, White Entertainment Television, or Miss White America; and see what happens...Jesse Jackson will be knocking down your door.

Ken says: I used to agree completely with Andy on this point. Then, one day, I looked in a mirror and noticed I was white.
It's only natural for black people to identify and enjoy black culture, as exemplified by things like Jet magazine, BET and Miss Black America. There's nothing wrong with those things. I still get a bit of a burr in my behind about things like the United Negro College Fund, though. That, in my view, ought to be available to anybody deserving, regardless of the level of melatonin in their skin.
Victimhood, like anything else, is a state of mind. If you decide you are a victim, then victimhood is what you'll experience; the more convinced you are of your victim status, the more everything in your life will tend to reinforce that. This is a lesson for all of us, black, white, or polka-dotted.

Guns do not make you a killer. I think killing makes you a killer. You can kill someone with a baseball bat or a car, but no one is trying to ban you from driving to the ball game.

Ken asks: is Andy Rooney in the NRA? It sounds like it. In the wake of the Columbine shooting, our local paper editorialized "Guns don't kill people. People kill people. With guns."
Baseball bats are designed to hit baseballs with. That they make a pretty fair weapon is true but beside the point. Cars are designed to convey people from point A to point B in a reasonable amount of time. Any people they run over in the process can claim that the automobile is a lethal weapon--and it is, in the hands of the irresponsible--but that's beside the point.
Name one thing guns do besides hurting and killing things. Sure, I suppose you can argue that skeet shooting doesn't hurt a soul, but what exactly are you doing, shooting skeet? Perfecting your aim so as to better use the gun for its intended purpose: to hurt or kill.


I believe they are called the Boy Scouts for a reason, that is why there are no girls allowed. Girls belong in the Girl Scouts! ARE YOU LISTENING MARTHA BURKE?


Ken says: Sorry, Andy, you're wrong. Scouting is a relic of a bygone time when girls were expected to grow up to be housewives...okay, maybe teachers or nurses, but that's it. We've left those days far behind us, thank God: there are few things in creation that some women can't do better than many men. The sooner this is recognized, the better. By all means, let there be Scouting: it's a valuable service. But let anyone take any badge they want. I have known quite a few girls who would have excelled in Boy Scouts. My wife is one of them.

I think that if you feel homosexuality is wrong, it is not a phobia, it is an opinion.

Ken says: Well, you're entitled to your (wrong) opinion. You're even entitled to spout it aloud...freedom of speech and all. But do consider your opinion, okay? Before you spout it.
I've heard variants of "Homosexuality is wrong" for a very long time. Some people claim it's unnatural--which is funny, because it has relatively the same degree of commonality through much of the animal kingdom. Some people think it's against God's will--as if anything could be against the will of an omnipotent being. Some people are more honest with themselves and just say it's disgusting. That's a perfectly valid opinion. But opinions are not facts, and shouldn't be treated as such. In other words, your feeling that homosexuality is wrong doesn't make it so.
Oh, yes, and remember this great truth: Anger is always fear disguised.


I have the right "NOT" to be tolerant of others because they are different, weird, or tick me off.

Ken says: Of course you do, you old curmudgeon. You're 86, aren't you? That does explain a lot, you old coot. You know what? You're too old to be a functional member of society. I think it would be a good thing if we just arranged a quick and painless death for y--
Well now, that's not very tolerant, is it? See, that's the problem with granting the "right" to be intolerant. Invariably, somebody, somewhere, will take that right too far.

When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the population is black, that is not racial profiling, it is the Law of Probability.

Ken says: Uh, not quite. When 70% of the people who get arrested are black, in cities where 70% of the crimes are committed by blacks, that's the law of probability.
Of course, up here in Canada we'd rather not know who's committing crimes. Every attempt to quantify the matter on the basis of race is met with howls of outrage. Ironically enough, this lack of information just feeds the prejudices of police officers. If a cop feels that blue people are all crooks, and is not allowed to discover that only a tiny subset of blue people commit crimes, (s)he'll just go on believing that blue people ought to be locked up.

I believe that if you are selling me a milkshake, a pack of cigarettes, a newspaper or a hotel room, you must do it in English! As a matter of fact, if you want to be an American citizen, you should have to speak English!

Ken says: right on, Mr. Rooney. I'll amend that, of course, to say that Canadians should have to speak English or French.
Language is a unifying force--the real point of the Tower of Babel story in the Bible. While there is nothing wrong with preserving and passing on your heritage, including your language, I do feel that citizens should be required to be reasonably fluent in the language of the realm. In our case, that's English. Or French.

My father and grandfather didn't die in vain so you can leave the countries you were born in to come over and disrespect ours.

Ken says: Fair enough--but do watch your definition of 'disrespect' These days, if you harbour a democratic viewpoint in America you are accused of disrespecting America. And if you hold a conservative viewpoint in Canada you are accused of disrespecting Canada.

I think the police should have every right to shoot your sorry behind if you threaten them after they tell you to stop. If you can't understand the word "freeze" or "stop" in English, see the above lines.

Ken says: Yup. Especially in London right about now. Sure, the Metropolitan Police Service owes the family of the man they shot in the Tube the other day an apology. And right after they've given it, they should scream "BUT HE WAS IN A SUSPECTED TERROR HOUSE, EMERGED WEARING A HEAVILY PADDED PARKA IN 20 DEGREE WEATHER, AND RAN FROM POLICE INTO THE SUBWAY SYSTEM WHERE THE BOMBINGS ARE GETTING A LITTLE TOO ROUTINE. WHAT THE %^&* ELSE WERE WE SUPPOSED TO DO?"
You have nothing to fear in London right now...even if you are Muslim. Unless you do something stupid like wear a parka in the summer and run from the nice bobbies who are charged with keeping the city safe. Then you're dead, and I shed no tears.

I don't think just because you were not born in this country, you are qualified for any special loan programs, government sponsored bank loans or tax breaks, etc., so you can open a hotel, coffee shop, trinket store, or any other business.

Ken says: Hmm, America for Americans! Forget about growing the economy! Let all those immigrants slave away for the benefit of, ahem, us white people. Is that how it works, Andy?


We did not go to the aid of certain foreign countries and risk our lives in wars to defend their freedoms, so that decades later they could come over here and tell us our constitution is a living document; and open to their interpretations.

Ken says, well, see here, Andy, right now "we've" got our fingers in dozens of countries' pies all over the globe, far beyond trying to influence their constitutions. So it's okay if America acts in self-interest, but not okay if others do?

I know pro wrestling is fake, but so are movies and television. That doesn't stop you from watching them.

Ken says: You're right, Andy. I know how fake movies and television are, but I still watch them. However, I try really hard to avoid stupid things: stupid movies, stupid television, stupid pro wrestling... (Ken dons an asbestos suit)

I think Bill Gates has every right to keep every penny he made and continue to make more. If it ticks you off, go and invent the next operating system that's better, and put your name on the building.

Ken says: I agree! This might, in fact, be happening now: check out www.jefraskin.com. Anyway, Bill Gates has donated vast sums of money to charity. It may sound odd now, but I strongly believe that in 500 years, Gates will be the most remembered man of the 20th century.

It doesn't take a whole village to raise a child right, but it does take a parent to stand up to the kid; and smack their little behinds when necessary, and say "NO!"

Ken says: there's only one instance where "smacking their little behinds" might be necessary--to stop a bee from stinging them on the bum. Really, Andy, do you condone violence against people who can't defend themselves? Oh yeah, that's right, you're American...

I think tattoos and piercing are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement. And, please, stay home until that new lip ring heals. I don't want to look at your ugly infected mouth as you serve me French fries!

Ken says: Bingo. Couldn't have said that better myself.

I am sick of "Political Correctness." I know a lot of black people, and not a single one of them was born in Africa; so how can they be "African-Americans"? Besides, Africa is a continent. I don't go around saying I am a European-American because my great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather was from Europe. I am proud to be from America and nowhere else.

Ken says: nor that. C'mon, people--take some pride in your country! Else why did you leave your old one?
(But don't go overboard on the pride and start thinking that you're superior to others, either by virtue of your bloodline or your nationality. We are all human beings here...)