Holding My Head Above Water

I get up in the morning and the Asian markets are plummeting. I come home from work and our markets have followed suit. Everywhere I go on the Internet, I read of various possible futures, absolutely none of them pretty, some of them appalling. 

I'm usually able to shove other people's crap into a compartment in my head, turn out the lights, and close and lock the door. Sometimes it takes a little (or a lot) of effort to do it, but I've always been successful at it in the past. I've long been the guy you go to for a friendly ear when you're having trouble--I can juggle multiple personal crises of friends with ease.

I don't do as well when the shit hits my own fan. My brain craves stability like a drug and reacts badly to anything that upsets it. Give me a few minutes to calm down and convince myself that this (whatever this is) is the 'new normal', and I'm fine. If I don't have that few minutes, I can appear shellshocked.

Not like Eva. She'll only let a crisis affect her once it's over. If there's one trait of hers I wish I could learn--there are dozens, in fact, but for the present purpose--it's that one.

Mr. Harper suggests that Canadians are only worried about their stock portfolios. Speak for yourself, Steve-O. I've got news for you: there's a low-grade unease, a sort of coalescing tension, manifesting just about everywhere, even amongst us poor plebes who don't own stock. For a guy who's always trying to tap that Tim Horton's zeitgeist, buddy, you're sounding awfully Starbucky.

This credit crisis, and all the related crises it might trigger, won't fit in my compartment. I'm giving it a good ol' college try, but the damn door won't stay shut. And so, even though nothing's affected me (yet, whispers the voice in my head), I'm not sleeping as well as I could be, I've got a headache most of the time, and little stuff is irritating me beyond all reason. 

The usual prescription for this unusual situation would be a complete retreat from the news. No radio, no TV, no Internet, no newspapers, and definitely don't pick up this week's Economist. Or Macleans, or Harper's--every one of them is covering this like white on rice. The mainstream has picked up the current of the Kunstlers and Orlovs, and is approaching flood tide. Just one example, Steve Maich  on macleans.ca:

At some point, and nobody knows exactly when, foreign investors like the Chinese will become concerned about America's ability to service its mounting debt payments and will look to protect themselves against a default — cutting back on the amount of debt they will finance. If and when that happens, it would trigger a sudden plunge in the value of the U.S. dollar, and unleash a set of consequences that make the current market turmoil seem paltry by comparison. Eventually, somewhere along the way, the dollar is going to break, the foreigners will say enough, and we're going to have a much bigger crisis. America won't be able to sell any of its debt, interest rates are going to skyrocket, the dollar will plunge, and prices for everything in the United States will go through the roof. We're going to see government instituting price controls on food items, price controls on energy, which is going to lead to shortages, rioting in the streets and civil unrest. We're going to have massive inflation, nobody is going to be able to borrow money to do anything, businesses won't be able to borrow money. We are headed for a real, complete disaster."

I repeat, this isn't Jim Kunstler's website talking. He's been saying stuff like this for years and being dismissed as some kind of anti-capitalist crackpot. Now, musings that look an awful lot like his are showing up in places where ordinary people can read them. It must seem quite a shock to a lot of folks.

Anyway, like I said, I really shouldn't be reading this stuff. I should add "recession", "bailout", "crash" and a whole host of other terms to the trapdoor list and just ignore the whole thing. Except... 

I can't do that.

I can't do that because of another fundamental trait of mine: the less I know, the more I worry. I'd rather hear terrible news than no news at all. When I don't know what's going on, beyond the knowledge it's bad, I start imagining what's going on, and that's invariably much worse. Give me details, give me an understanding, let me integrate, and then I'll be fine.  

I just haven't had to deal with something quite this world-changing, happening with quite this speed, before, is all. 

So, next best thing: in two days I'm on holidays. Lucky timing, that. We have all manner of things to do, but most of them involve relaxation. I know nobody ever goes into a vacation thinking you know what? I don't need these holidays just now--but I really could use some holidays just now.