Wednesday, July 29, 2009

If I hear one more person

complaining about the weather, I just might snap.

Every weathercast leads off with the news anchor accusing the meteorologist, "Where's my summer?" Now, before I get going on my main rant, indulge me in a little mini-rant against these people who seem to think the forecaster has something to do with the weather. Yeah, buddy, that guy sitting next to you performed a shamanic rain dance before he came to work today. He's personally responsible for the cool and cloudy conditions. (Actually...ssshhh!...there's a global cabal of meterologists uttering arcane incantations and stirring hailstones into bubbling cauldrons so as to ruin your summer.) Shut the $%^ up, already.

Yes, I have a visceral hatred of the kind of weather conditions it seems most of the rest of you are pining for. Once the thermometer starts edging much above room temperature (20C, or 68F), I get bitchy. If the humidex hits the thirties--86F and above--I'm abjectly miserable.
I know how much of a freak this makes me. Like all freaks, I'm think I'm the only sane one in a world full of crazy people. And I've learned to justify my freakishness in terms the crazy people might be able to relate to, if they can tear themselves away from their unrelenting worship of the Great Goddess Melanoma.
That's my first justification: the same sun that ensures our pale blue dot can nurture life will give you cancer if you let it. And it'll make you look like this in the process.

Because oh, man, that's attractive.

Everyone knows the danger of sunburn. But when I play word-association with the teens at work and the word I throw out is suntan, at least half will say "healthy". Yeah, whatever. Suntans are healthy in the same way "light" cigarettes are healthy.

Let's look a little closer at the weather conditions you're all wishing for.
Southern British Columbia is basking in 40-degree (104F) temperatures with concomitant smog and high UV levels. The CBC reports brisk sales of fans and air conditioners. Hmm. If people like the heat so much, why are they so quick to buy and employ devices to counter it?

Moving east, we enter the Prairies, Canada's foodbasket. While Ontarians bitch about the rain--and, in most of Ontario, we actually got more rain last July--farmers a couple of provinces over are plowing their desiccated crops under. Rainfall is less than 40% of normal in some districts. Which means food prices across the country are set to skyrocket. But hey, who cares, right? They got SUN!

In Ontario this year, there has been no need to import additional power to meet demand. Lawns are lush and green...naturally. Most summers, if you want your lawn to stay green, you've had to deplete the municipal water act I've always regarded as criminal, and recently, many cities have come around to my way of thinking: water your lawn on the wrong day (or on any day in dry years) and you'll pay dearly for the privilege. Unless it's actually storming, working outside ranges from bearable to actually comfortable. As far as I'm concerned, this summer's been damn near ideal so far. If you feel otherwise, you're welcome to your freakish opinion.


Rocketstar said...

I'm our Colorado weather, never any humidity and this year we are gettng more rain than normal (which still is not much but it reduces my water bill).

We'll never fully understand weather, way too many variables involved.

Rocketstar said...


Anonymous said...

Oi! Well to be fair, most of us want it to be a solid 25ish and sunny. Warm enough to go swimming, yet cool enough that we don't have to hide inside with the AC.

Its been so cool that apparently the blackflies are still out up north! (Two bugs I cannot abide, blackflies and deerflies)

My sons want to play in their sandbox in the backyard, but it rains so much that its more mud than sand.

And that brings up my final point. You stay cooped up in the house with two pent-up kids while its cold and rainy outside....

Ken Breadner said...

Fair enough, Catelli--sometimes I forget about that whole segment of society called "children"...and that my childhood, spent mostly indoors by choice, was far from normal.