A Punch In the Face

Please copy and paste to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone, who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face, but we can raise awareness!!!

--found floating around Facebook

The first, most obvious group of people who deserve a punch in the face are the Republicans in the United States. This passel of moroons is all het up that America has gone and joined the rest of the civilized world. Damnit, those poor people are going to LIVE longer now! How dare the government try and legislate insurance company scams out of existence?

Seriously, they're actually wheezing about repealing Obamacare as soon as possible. Not because of the flaws in the bill (many of which they're responsible for themselves!)...no, what pisses them off is that there's a government health care bill at all. You just want to, oh, I dunno....punch 'em in the face.

Next on the docket, the golf fans looking forward to Tiger Woods' return. I'd like to at least fake a punch to golf fans in general--in the immortal words of George Carlin, watching golf on TV is like watching flies f--k. But I'll grant that some people actually enjoy watching other people hit balls with crooked sticks and then....walk after them.

But it's that subset of golf fans who say they're looking forward to Tiger coming back "just so golf is watchable again"...I just want to clock 'em one. I've seen variants of this posted all over the place and it makes no sense. I can maybe be persuaded to believe that golf in and of itself isn't intrinsically boring to everybody...but when the same guy wins all the tournaments, what's the point of watching? (Incidentally, I felt the same way with hockey in the 80s, when the Oilers were winning seemingly every year. Boring. And that's without even getting into the lie this man lived, the monumental hypocrisy, the insincere apologies...Tiger says he's back for the Masters. He's lying--he's back for the Mistresses.

Big whopping punch in the face to the CRTC, which is about twenty years past its best before date and smells accordingly. Now they're trying to determine "the value of television signals". Translated, they're looking to force Canadians to pay even more for the schlock on their television sets. (Psst...it's free on the Internet...don't tell them that!)

And hey, while we're punching people in the face, how about the Pope? He kindly apologized for his Church's sexual abuse of children in Ireland, which is good, I guess, as far as it went. But he didn't bother to explain how his Church will deal with this issue the next time it pops up (and it will). As I've said before, and Tiger can tell you now, "sorry" is just a word. There are a myriad of options here: the Pope can easily let it be known that any future offenses will be dealt with by the secular police, which to date have shown a great deal more concern for this sort of felony than has the Catholic Church. He could insist that priests convicted of sexual offenses be defrocked. Or he could--radical, this--allow priests to marry.

Wouldn't that be a punch in the face.