Am I A Man?

Once again I am confronted with my lack of manliness.

Oh, in some ways I'm definitely a man. I have the requisite  equipment and even a little of the stereotypical mindset here and there. But while men forever gripe about not being able to understand women, I can't understand much of how men generally think.

Sex is a perfect example. Time and time again I've heard various men extol the virtues of "angry" or "hate" sex. Now, undoubtedly these men are exaggerating, since men (unlike women) keep their *real* sex lives private. Nevertheless, so many people have raved about angry passionate sex that I figure there must be something to it.
But how does that work, exactly? I can't imagine being angry and sexual at the same time. They're polar opposite states! Try coming on to your significant other in the middle of an argument sometime. I'd want an armour-plated jock, myself.

One of my Facebook friends posted 21 Rules That Men Have. It's probably the fifth or sixth time I've seen this gag post. I've never found it funny. In fact, every time I see it I'm more and more offended by it.

Here are "the rules":

1. MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS

Okay, let's get the true one out of the way early. I've spent most of a lifetime trying to puzzle out 'signals' and let's just say that was one wasted most of a lifetime. Who knows how many opportunities I lost back in the day because I couldn't read the signs? More likely, how many 'signs' did I make up? Just tell me what you're thinking. Good or bad. I can deal. Promise.

1. LEARN TO WORK THE TOILET SEAT. YOU'RE A BIG GIRL. IF IT'S UP, PUT IT DOWN. WE NEED IT UP, YOU NEED IT DOWN. YOU DON'T HEAR US COMPLAINING WHEN YOU LEAVE IT DOWN.

(Oh, cute, they're all number 1. Isn't that cute? Men complain about women 'nagging'...how is this little rhetorical flourish different?)

I don't know who wrote this thing originally, but either he's got the world's widest ass or he's never pooped in his life (which would lead, I suppose, to him having the world's widest ass). I poop with the seat down. Most people, male or female, do, I'd suspect. Accordingly, at least some of the time "we need it down". I happen to think it looks better down, too. Regardless, if this or the neighbouring toilet paper roll is any sort of an issue in your home, seek help.

(All further #1s omitted, because they grate on me)

ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT. LET US BE CLEAR ON THIS: SUBTLE HINTS DO NOT WORK! STRONG HINTS DO NOT WORK! OBVIOUS HINTS DO NOT WORK! JUST SAY IT!

Already covered in #1 above (the actual first point).

YES AND NO ARE PERFECTLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWERS TO ALMOST ANY QUESTION.

No, they're not. Not if 'a relationship with a woman' is something you'd like to have. Words are lubrication; without them your marriage will get rusty and eventually grind to a halt.

COME TO US WITH A PROBLEM ONLY IF YOU NEED HELP SOLVING IT. THAT'S WHAT WE DO. SYMPATHY IS WHAT YOUR GIRLFRIENDS ARE FOR.

I will admit the first bit of this is something I occasionally struggle with. A problem, by definition, needs to be solved for it not to be a problem anymore, and I do sometimes marvel at (some) women's seeming preference to talk about problems *instead* of solving them. Nevertheless, 'sympathy is what your girlfriends are for' is something only a swift-gliding douchecanoe would say.

ANYTHING WE SAID SIX MONTHS AGO IS INADMISSIBLE IN AN ARGUMENT. IN FACT,  ALL COMMENTS BECOME NULL AND VOID AFTER SEVEN DAYS.

This 'rule' is that of a relationship in serious trouble. If you're storing up items to use in future arguments, do your partner a favour, unleash them all at once, and leave, never to return. That said, if you (inadvertently, of course) hurt your partner with your words, it could well take six months -- or much longer -- full of words AND actions to heal the hurt.

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE FAT, YOU PROBABLY ARE. DON'T ASK US.

Or, you know, you *could* try to find out why the woman in your life has body issues, and you *could* make a point of loving her no matter what she looks like. I've said it probably a hundred times now, but I'll keep saying it: think of the best present you ever got in your life. Now describe what it was wrapped in. Don't care, do you? Then why do you care so much about bodies?

IF SOMETHING WE SAID CAN BE INTERPRETED TWO WAYS AND ONE OF THE WAYS MAKES YOU SAD OR ANGRY, WE MEANT THE OTHER ONE.

Or *sigh* you could think about what you're saying before you say it...imagine how you'd feel if you heard it...and  THEN say it, if it must be said. That may not avoid this problem entirely, but it will minimize it.

YOU CAN EITHER ASK US TO DO SOMETHING OR TELL US HOW YOU WANT IT DONE. NOT BOTH. IF YOU ALREADY KNOW BEST HOW TO DO IT, JUST DO IT YOURSELF.

Except at least in my case, I won't know the best way of doing half the stuff I'm asked to. And my wife is much more handy than I am, but that doesn't excuse me and let me sit on my ass all day long contributing no household tasks whatsoever.

WHENEVER POSSIBLE, PLEASE SAY WHATEVER YOU HAVE TO DURING COMMERCIALS.

...because I *really* should have married my television.

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS DID NOT NEED DIRECTIONS AND NEITHER DO WE.

I love this one. Yeah, actually, ol' Chris really did need direction, because he thought he landed in India and he wasn't even close.
If I'm lost, I ask for directions. I don't care if that makes me gay or something, I'd rather be gay and know where the fuck I am.

ALL MEN SEE ONLY 16 COLOURS, LIKE WINDOWS DEFAULT SETTINGS. PEACH, FOR EXAMPLE, IS A FRUIT, NOT A COLOUR. PUMPKIN IS ALSO A COLOUR. WE HAVE NO IDEA WHAT "MAUVE" IS.

Somewhat guilty as charged, here. In my defence, my visual environment has never been that high on my list of priorities. I'd live in a world of nothing but greys so long as I had Eva to colour it up.

IF WE ASK WHAT IS WRONG AND YOU SAY 'NOTHING', WE'LL ACT AS IF NOTHING'S WRONG. WE KNOW YOU'RE LYING, BUT IT ISN'T WORTH THE HASSLE.

This. This one is about seven thousand percent true. It's related again to MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS, with the added bewilderment of why (again, some) women would lie and say nothing's wrong when something obviously is. I'm so glad Eva doesn't do this, or its related female f-word, "FINE".

IF YOU ASK A QUESTION YOU DON'T WANT AN ANSWER TO, EXPECT AN ANSWER YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR.

It's been almost twenty years since I've been in a relationship where this was a problem. I think both the rhetorical question-traps and the deliberate hurtful answers are strong signs of a relationship in trouble. The whole tone of this article suggests a relationship in trouble, really...if people, male or female, actually identify with the majority of this...how sad for them.

WHEN WE HAVE TO GO SOMEWHERE, ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING YOU HAVE TO WEAR IS FINE. REALLY.

...and then every once in a while there's something in here that bucks that tone and confuses me. Of course this is true. Eva's a woman grown, she can dress herself just fine, and she looks wonderful in anything she wears.

DON'T ASK US WHAT WE'RE THINKING ABOUT UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO DISCUSS SUCH TOPICS AS FOOTBALL AND MOTOR SPORTS.  

You know what I'm thinking about most of the time? Nothing. Nothing at all. Thoughts are intrusions on this no-thought state. Frequent intrusions, (usually) welcome intrusions...but intrusions. And I've been told I'm very thoughtful. Perhaps, but I need a few words or an image or something to prime the thought-pump. I have no idea if other men are like this or not. I'm a big hockey fan, but I don't think about hockey unless I'm watching it or reading about it. And I'm more than prepared, at any time, to talk about anything at all. Just say the word, any word.

YOU HAVE ENOUGH CLOTHES.

Actually, Eva doesn't. That's because she's shrinking out of every set of clothes we get her. She looks fantastic in the latest set...and in three or four months we'll have to go through it all again. There are three green garbage bags STUFFED with clothes going to Value Village on our next run. Some large woman is going to think she hit the jackpot.

YOU HAVE TOO MANY SHOES.

Again, Eva does not, and that's partly my doing. (I threw out a bunch of her high heels without asking her shortly after I moved in with her, and NOW you're going to go read that, aren't you/)

Actually, reading this over, maybe it's not only that I'm not really a man...maybe I lucked out in my choice of women. Like I needed sexist drivel to tell me that.