That was essentially the headline I just ran across on Reddit. Details:
--girl, 23, dating man, 26 for eight months
--he loves her, she's smart, happy, compassionate
--he's been deliriously happy with her, in and out of the bedroom: excellent chemistry all around, "best sex he's ever had"
--girl has graduated from New York University...one of the more expensive non-Ivy-League schools in the U.S, and paid off her student loans
--when he, very early in the relationship, expressed incredulity at how she'd managed to do that, she shrugged it off: scholarships, part time jobs. He accepted that explanation
--eight months in, in the middle of a cuddle session wherein they'd been discussing their pasts, she told him she'd hooked her way through school. He was the first person she'd had sex with that wasn't paid for. Her customer count was "in the triple digits".
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He reacted with fury and revulsion, and I think it's safe to say that relationship's over. Most of the community is completely with him on this. The main points seem to be
1) She hid her past from him;
2) Ewwwwwwwww!
3) What's she up to now?
As usual, I was utterly lost reading all this--I believe the term is "slut-shaming"--and just plain wrong assumptions. I get that my attitudes are not standard. But wow, people are vicious whenever sexual pasts come up. Especially those of women.
1) She hid her past from him.
She told him she paid off school with a combination of scholarships and part time jobs. Unless she lied about the scholarships, she told the truth...as much truth as she was willing to tell on short notice. (If you were this lady, would you announce your unconventional income stream on every first or second date?)
Some people are saying she was obligated to tell him this before they had sex. Provided she tested clean--and there was no mention of any STDs over the length of the relationship...uh, no, she wasn't. Why not? Because of this:
2) Ewwwwwww!
Look at the reaction she got after eight months of what even her boyfriend admits was pretty great sex in a pretty great relationship. It speaks for itself. It's mindless disgust...completely irrational, over the top, and, it seems, incredibly common. Let's take a minute and break that reaction down.
Your girlfriend tells you she's had sex with over a hundred men, for money...enough money to pay off what must have been a substantial debt. You are, in fact, her first "freebie".
You think
a) My penis will now rot off, oh God I can feel every last one of those strange penises that have defiled her inner sanctity, Jesus, she's diseased and I'm diseased and it's all diseased
b) This just confirms what I knew all along: she's so good people were willing to pay handsomely for the privilege of being with her and wow, I'm honoured she chose me to be her first boyfriend who wasn't also a client
Which reaction seems more logical to you?
Some men insist their women be virgins before they meet, because apparently adultery is retroactive or something. Look, unless you're in high school, people don't come bubble-wrapped when they come to you. That's a good thing. They've either picked up some good experiences they can pass along...or they've had some bad experiences you can heal. No matter which, your partner has had other partners. She chose you. Or is it the sheer number that's off-putting?
Served a need, didn't it? Also made your girlfriend (by your own admission!) pretty damned good at sex.
Maybe this is proof she enjoys sex. Can't have that, only men are supposed to enjoy sex, (or maybe you're "enlightened" enough to think she can only have ever enjoyed sex with one man -- you). And if she enjoys sex so much then
3) What's she up to now?
I bet she's out having sex for money every day, Probably right in the bed we sleep in together. Even if not, what's going to happen the first time she thinks she needs a little extra money? She'll go have sex with some stranger, that's what! And she won't tell me!
Grow up, will you? She told you as soon as she felt comfortable doing so. It shouldn't have taken as much bravery as it did, but it took a lot of bravery, and she obviously felt secure enough in the relationship to trust you wouldn't....do what you just did. Sad, really. Makes me think of a poster I saw recently:
Are you under the impression she misses that life, and wants to go back to it? TALK TO HER. Don't assume it, because as much as she may have (shudder) enjoyed it, she's always been happy with you, and you with her.
What really bothers me is that in other contexts, men clamour to have sex with a high-priced call girl. It's a pretty common male fantasy. This guy's been living in the middle of a common male fantasy for months, without even knowing it (and for free, no less!) But everything changes as soon as that call girl either stops hiring herself out or gets a boyfriend. Then she's treated as if she's been contaminated.
I don't get it.
It's even weirder if you reverse the genders. You might have to wrap your head around the idea of gigolos--they've been around throughout history, but aren't studied much even today--but the reaction to them is so very different. Most men think where do I sign up and most women aren't near as bothered by the idea that their male partner has been with others before: they base their trust on how he acts towards them, now. Which makes a whole lot more sense to me. Regardless, men aren't contaminated by exposure to multiple women. They're virile, they're strong, they're studs. Women with lots of men? They're easy, they're whores, they're sluts. Let's pick one characterization or the other here and apply it to both genders.
Preferably the one that acknowledges sex as a good thing.
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