12 Insanely Bad Pieces Of Sex and Relationship Advice
Okay, now, see, quite a few of these really are truly insanely bad. Others are not bad at all...and one of the things on this list I dole out myself all the time, so I feel like I'd better qualify it.
1) STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS
Yup. Insanely bad advice. Luckily, not so common any more, but you'll still find it floating around. It usually comes from conservative folks that feel they've sinned somehow by divorcing. One Christian friend of mine rationalizes her "sinful divorce" as follows: we were never really married. Now, there are obvious traps in thinking this way, but in her case...she's right. The relationship was not anything remotely resembling a healthy marriage, irrespective of faith, and it was not a healthy environment for children to live in.
Don't stay together for the sake of the children. I'm a child of divorce myself and I echo the writer here: there are far worse things in life than celebrating two Christmases.
2) LOVE HAPPENS WHEN YOU STOP LOOKING FOR IT
Oh-oh. I've been saying this one for years and years, and it's "insanely bad" advice? Let's unpack this:
On one level, this makes sense—and indeed, we think love happens when you “stop bitching and get a life,” that is, cultivate your own interests and hobbies, stop fixating on any one outcome and believing a relationship will solve all your problems. ‘Cause, it won’t. But you know, it helps if you like, go on a date every once in a while. Does this count as “looking”? We think so.
Yes, dating does count as looking. But I believe most people 'date' while fixated on one possible outcome of that date, i.e., a relationship. They therefore view any date that does not result in a relationship as a failure...and it's a short hop skip and a jump from there to "I'M a failure", which is a self-fulfilling prophecy. So, incidentally, is "wanting" a relationship. If you announce to the world that you want a relationship, the world will oblige you with that exact experience...wanting a relationship.
The other thing is that many people view relationships as needs-fulfillment tools. "You complete me", "he's my better half", etc. This makes for a romantic sentiment, to be sure...but it's not true. We are each of us complete human beings on our own.
If you act incomplete, that's exactly the aura you're going to project. It's not an attractive aura.
So here's what you do instead. Cultivate the relationships you have...all of them. Make every single person you meet or spend any time at all with just a little bit happier for having been in your world.
Two things will accrue from that. One, you'll be happy because you're spreading happiness: that tends to splash back on you. In turn, that happiness will attract someone. It may take time, and yes, you do have to get off your ass at some point. But too many people look for love and miss the love right in front of them.
3) ONCE YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE, YOU HAVE TO LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
3) ONCE YOU REACH A CERTAIN AGE, YOU HAVE TO LOWER YOUR EXPECTATIONS.
Again with the 'expectations'. God I hate that word. Now, it is reasonable to expect to be treated with respect--which covers a multitude of behaviours: expecting fidelity, by whatever definition of that word you agree on; expecting the truth; expecting to be treated like a human being, and so on. Beyond that, though, it is unreasonable to expect--well, much of anything. It's entirely possible that your partner will grow and change and that your life goals will diverge. It's entirely possible, indeed all but certain, that some of his interests will be different from yours. The problem with expectations is that sooner or later they go unmet, and then what?
My thinking has evolved somewhat on this, thanks to Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, whose ook More Than Two is a goldmine of solid relationship advice for anyone, not just people wired like I am. One of the guiding principles of that book is "The people in the relationship matter more than the relationship". This is simple...and revolutionary. I believe it puts the focus where it belongs, while having the neat-o side effect of actually helping sustain the relationship in whatever form it's meant to have, expectations be damned.
My thinking has evolved somewhat on this, thanks to Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, whose ook More Than Two is a goldmine of solid relationship advice for anyone, not just people wired like I am. One of the guiding principles of that book is "The people in the relationship matter more than the relationship". This is simple...and revolutionary. I believe it puts the focus where it belongs, while having the neat-o side effect of actually helping sustain the relationship in whatever form it's meant to have, expectations be damned.
In terms of *starting* a relationship--well, okay. There has to be attraction on some level. There should be compatibility...actually, that's probably the most important thing. But both men and women in my experience want all that plus--and it's the plusses that I'll get into away down at number 10. Suffice it to say that many people, regardless of age, need to lower (or at least re-focus) their expectations
4) PRETEND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM; YOU MIGHT MEET SOME NICE PEOPLE AT AA/WEIGHT WATCHERS/CODEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS.
4) PRETEND YOU HAVE A PROBLEM; YOU MIGHT MEET SOME NICE PEOPLE AT AA/WEIGHT WATCHERS/CODEPENDENTS ANONYMOUS.
You've got to be kidding me. Is this really a thing?
Nope, it turns out. The writers of this "advice" suggest you really ought to have the problem, not pretend to. That said, this is an approach that's rather fraught. It's certainly valid and viable...if both of you are focussed on overcoming the problem. You'll certainly find people who understand you. The danger is you'll also find people who enable you.
5) MOVING IN TOGETHER
(actually, to be fair, #6 was worded "having a baby together will bring you closer together than ever before").
These are possibly the worst pieces of advice I've ever run across in my entire life. Especially the one with the innocent third life involved in it.
I fell myself once for a variant of this: I thought that buying her a ring would shut up all the little niggly voices in my head telling me don't buy her a ring.
There, voices, I went and did it anyway. Now will you shut up?
They didn't.
None of these things work. Solving the problem will solve your problem, and having a baby together--well, actually it's just as likely to drive you apart as bring you together. There are three periods of common marital instability. The first is during the first year, when you realize that you done gone and married the wrong person. The second is after three years...and linked strongly to having children. The third--which doesn't surprise me in the slightest--occurs after the children have left the nest, when you realize you've spent so much time parenting that you've forgotten how to be a couple. (Don't do that).
7) ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER
I hesitate to refute this...mostly because I've cheated not once but twice. Both times were long before I met my wife; I haven't ever thought of cheating on Eva. (and yes, poly people can cheat; it's actually worse on one level because you might be affecting more than two people with your deception).
What the writer is actually saying here is that yes, there is a possibility you'll get hurt by loving someone. This is a fundamental truth, and not a risk that should be shoved aside. What matters is the mindset of the cheater. Is he fully repentant? Has she made amends to the best of her ability? Then you might consider provisionally accepting them. As with anyone, trust needs to be earned: a former cheater may have to earn considerably more trust, and that's a legitimate cost of cheating, is my view.
8) IT IS BETTER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO CHEATS ON YOU THAN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FLUSH THE TOILET.
Uma Thurman actually said this. Then again, this is the same woman who sees all potential dates as "prey". Seriously effed up, in other words.
Nope, it turns out. The writers of this "advice" suggest you really ought to have the problem, not pretend to. That said, this is an approach that's rather fraught. It's certainly valid and viable...if both of you are focussed on overcoming the problem. You'll certainly find people who understand you. The danger is you'll also find people who enable you.
5) MOVING IN TOGETHER
WILL SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS
6) HAVING A BABY(actually, to be fair, #6 was worded "having a baby together will bring you closer together than ever before").
These are possibly the worst pieces of advice I've ever run across in my entire life. Especially the one with the innocent third life involved in it.
I fell myself once for a variant of this: I thought that buying her a ring would shut up all the little niggly voices in my head telling me don't buy her a ring.
There, voices, I went and did it anyway. Now will you shut up?
They didn't.
None of these things work. Solving the problem will solve your problem, and having a baby together--well, actually it's just as likely to drive you apart as bring you together. There are three periods of common marital instability. The first is during the first year, when you realize that you done gone and married the wrong person. The second is after three years...and linked strongly to having children. The third--which doesn't surprise me in the slightest--occurs after the children have left the nest, when you realize you've spent so much time parenting that you've forgotten how to be a couple. (Don't do that).
7) ONCE A CHEATER, ALWAYS A CHEATER
I hesitate to refute this...mostly because I've cheated not once but twice. Both times were long before I met my wife; I haven't ever thought of cheating on Eva. (and yes, poly people can cheat; it's actually worse on one level because you might be affecting more than two people with your deception).
What the writer is actually saying here is that yes, there is a possibility you'll get hurt by loving someone. This is a fundamental truth, and not a risk that should be shoved aside. What matters is the mindset of the cheater. Is he fully repentant? Has she made amends to the best of her ability? Then you might consider provisionally accepting them. As with anyone, trust needs to be earned: a former cheater may have to earn considerably more trust, and that's a legitimate cost of cheating, is my view.
8) IT IS BETTER TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO CHEATS ON YOU THAN SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T FLUSH THE TOILET.
Uma Thurman actually said this. Then again, this is the same woman who sees all potential dates as "prey". Seriously effed up, in other words.
For the record: cheating is bad. Incalcuably worse than "if it's yellow, let it mellow".
9) IF YOUR PARTNER DOES SOMETHING YOU DON'T LIKE, TRY WITHHOLDING SEX.
This is indeed shitty advice. "You did something I don't like, so I'm going to not do something you like" might work with a five year old, but let's at least pretend to be adults here. That said, something about the whole "withholding sex" thing rubs me the wrong way for an entirely different reason related to my odd psychological makeup. Sex just isn't the end-all and be-all of a relationship, for me. Intimacy is. I've no doubt the two are synonymous in most people's minds. They definitely aren't in mine.
10) Don't be so shallow.
They actually claim this is insanely bad advice.
It's damned good advice and I'll maintain that in the face of torture.
Like she's done with several other points, the writer here has stretched her definition of "shallow". She's implied that if you're not attracted to everyone, you're somehow "shallow". That's obviously bullshit, and I don't see anyone else out there using that paradigm.
You want someone who treats you properly, with whom you are reasonably compatible, and for whom you feel some level of attraction. That may well encompass some physical features--I certainly don't imagine there are many other people like me who love from the inside out--but having a list of such features to check off strikes me as shallow. Likewise requiring a certain (large) amount of money in a prospect's bank account is extremely shallow and damned unattractive...especially to rich people who are extremely wary of people developing relationships with their billfolds instead of their hearts and souls.
11) DON'T SLEEP WITH HIM TOO SOON.
Sigh.
This advice is good as far as it goes. As the writer notes, your vagina is not and should not be tied to your sense of self-worth. Also, sex is a hell of a way to bond, if bonding is what both of you are after. Provided you're on the same page with your partner(s), I say read every word on the page and act them all out.
But.
You ever notice how the advice is never phrased as "DON'T SLEEP WITH HER TOO SOON"?
You never hear that.
Maybe it's me (and if so, I apologize)...but I'm hypersensitive to this notion that sex is (a) all a guy wants out of a girl and (b) a guy's prerogative. (I guarantee you that back at #9 it wasn't the guy withholding sex...) It really pisses me off. It gives guys a bad name..."you all think with your dicks". You know what? My dick thinks, yeah, it does. It can be overruled. And I know I'm not alone here.
12) "...YOU GOTTA LOOK GOOD TO ATTRACT A MAN."
...where looking good is (predictably) defined as being a size two.
Shallow, anyone? Oh, wait, supposedly being shallow is a good thing.
This
No comments:
Post a Comment