Isn't One Person Good Enough?

"If a monogamous relationship breaks up, people never consider monogamy to be ‘the problem’, or take it as proof that monogamy doesn’t work. But they do with polyamory. I suspect this has something to do with the number of myths about polyamory that exist in wider society." -Anne Hunter

Using the paradigm that society accepts, relationships that work do not break up, by definition.

This is not the only paradigm in existence, and it may in fact damage people: all too many marriages stay together, even now, out of some misguided sense that they should...."for the children", "because what will the neighbours say", "because divorce is a sin"...and never mind marriages: other relationships can't and shouldn't be rated on longevity. Someone can have a deep, lasting positive impression on you over the space of a few minutes.

But again using the paradigm that is generally encouraged, if a relationship is agreed to have failed, i.e. not lived up to its aspirations, that is the fault of the individual relationship, be it open or closed.

I understand why people look upon "poly" with suspicion. It's different, for one thing: it goes against cultural scripts that are incredibly pervasive. Children are raised with a plethora of fairy tales full of unspoken assumptions that monogamy is not just the only acceptable option, but the only conceivable option.

Another problem, and I have alluded to this before, is the very common assumption that polyamory is a thinly veiled license to cheat. I am a respected giver of advice on Reddit's polyamory forum, and I see this and help to set it straight at least once a week.
We'll say it's a woman. It usually, but by no means always, is. She'll announce to the forum at large that her partner disclosed he's polyamorous. He also chose that moment to announce that he's had sex and/or fallen in love with somebody else, but "you can't blame me, because I'm poly."

No. That's not poly, that's despicable. It's not that "No true poly person" would do such a thing--this isn't part of the accepted definition of polyamory. For the record, polyamory involves multiple romantic relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. If that's not what you're doing, it's not poly, it's cheating and you're a cheater.

The thing I really want to talk about, though, is the even more common misperception that polyamorous people believe that no one person is good enough for them.

Doesn't that seem arrogant? Can you imagine someone saying that to someone else? "Honey, yes, I love you, but you're just...not enough. You don't fulfill me, all on your lonesome. I need more attention, more love, than you can possibly give me..."

Ugh. Boy oh boy am I glad that's not what polyamory is about.

There are simple (and simple-minded) analogies often used to explain the poly mindset to the uninitiated in terms they might grasp. I've used the children one myself: if you have two children, you don't love the second one any more or less than the first and you can't even argue the love is all that different.
I once had this explanation backfire badly on me when the parent I was talking to  admitted rather sheepishly that she didn't really love her younger son that much at all...but generally, the objection that gets raised is that adults are not children and romantic/sexual love is a whole different animal. Of course romantic and sexual love is different in type than the love you have for your children--but who says that one of the differences is that it must be limited to one person? Seriously, who says?
There's another one that gets tossed around sometimes that asks you to imagine you could only ever have one sort of food for the rest of your life. You might love love love some alligator stew, but if that were all you could ever eat..
I don't like that analogy any more than you probably do, because just like adults aren't children, people aren't food. If you really want to go with a food metaphor, most people with any depth to them are a whole world full of buffets, and it's not too much to ask to limit yourself to that world, now, is it?
No, it isn't.

But let's take the focus off that one relationship and put it on other relationships, since the defining difference between polyamory and monogamy is just that, the number of relationships.

You have a friend. You care deeply about this friend: in fact you love him or her. That's not something that is often said between people who are "just" friends. I happen to think it should be.
Now, society says there are hard limits to how you express that love. The exact limit varies quite widely between committed monogamous couples: some spouses don't have a problem if you go out with your friend for dinner, some do; some might base their objections on the fanciness of the restaurant. You might be okay giving your friend a peck on the cheek, but most spouses would take issue with a peck somewhere else, and it's a given that a peck better be all there is.

Poly people, by and large, reject these externally imposed limits on love. They may substitute certain limits of their own--certain people may be out of bounds, or certain behaviours. But while it is vitally important that all parties in a polyamorous relationship are on the same page, we tend to let relationships grow if it seems right that they do so.
And here we are back around this side of the mulberry bush. Why would it seem right? It's not right, you've already got one relationship you claim is wonderful What do you need another for?

If you think that way--many, in fact most, do--it's because you're working with a scarcity model of love. At its most extreme, this model claims that there is only one "soul mate" for you out there, and you will never be truly happy until you find him or her.

There are more than seven billion people on this planet. Even cutting them roughly in half to represent the people of the appropriate sex, you're going to be looking for a while. Probably quite a few lifetimes. Meanwhile, within this lifetime you're always looking for the next "better" thing (which is actually a person), and discarding the thing you just had (that was a person, too) when it/he/she comes along. As Dan Savage tweeted last week:

"Next serial monogamist with six or more exes who tells me he could never be non-monogamous gets a slap"

The scarcity model of love is at work whenever we think, even for a second, that we've "settled".  It is  what makes us question someone's love for us when we see him looking at someone else. Many people derive a sense of security from it, actually: I must be special, because she only does ____ with me. (Many polyamorous people actually think this way too: it's a hard habit to break.)

There is, needless to say, another model of love: an abundance model. According to this perspective, love is not rare at all, and thus does not need to be hoarded. Shared love increases. That's the model I, and other poly people, subscribe to: the existence of love somewhere in a person's life does not imply that love was taken from somewhere (or someone) else. We don't "settle": we gather experiences. We know that we are special, and so are our partners, and so are our partner's partners...The experience of loving many is extremely rewarding for us.  And yes, it can give us new experiences and a new view of the world.

It can also be harrowing. It's a real balancing act after awhile, because while love may not be limited, time certainly is. I have my own quirks that make me rare even among poly-types and can cause me grief: I love people within a fairly wide range almost by default, unless and until I am given a reason not to. I find it almost impossible to "turn love off", which in turn means heartbreak can linger longer than it should.  And it demands a level of communication and self-reflection that can be taxing, even for someone like me who has been self-reflecting and communicating since forever.

As always, "mine is not a better way; mine is only another way." I don't write these blogs to convert, but merely to inform. This is one particularly vexatious misconception that begged correction. Polyamorous people aren't that way because "one person is never enough", but rather because we believe relationships are their own things, separate from other relationships, and able to grow -- and fade -- as desired.