So, like, total freedom, right?

"AN IT HARM NONE, DO AS YE WILL"
--the Wiccan Rede (song here, one I love and live by, live and love by)


So I've been reading a lot about poly relationships, and there seems to be a recurring tend. The impression I'm getting is that if you're poly you have to be okay with everything your partner wants. For example, you're not comfortable having sex with someone who's having unprotected sex with someone else. The response is usually to tell that person to work on themselves so they're not stifling their partner's expression and that hard limits are just signs the person shouldn't be poly. Am I missing something? Is it really fair to tell a person they're not allowed to say they're not okay with something?
--user "CSpyder", posted to r/polyamory, 9/23

This is an extreme variant on a common question in poly circles. Indeed, it's pretty fundamental to relationships in general.

We're all familiar, or we think we are, with the freedoms and restrictions in monogamy. Odds are you'll find yourself less familiar than you think, though. According to this survey, 92% of women and 86% of men consider "having sex with someone else repeatedly" to be cheating. (Presumably the minority, which I find surprisingly high for both genders, would feel differently if that sex was paired with emotion.) Towards the other extreme, another survey found that seventeen percent of women and nine percent of men considered viewing pornography to be cheating, while seven percent of women said if their man stayed up all night talking to another woman online (no mention of topic), that was cheating. (Yike.) But by and large, we know what we're talking about when we talk about monogamy.

Polyamory is a whole different world. YOU decide what's legal, what's illegal, and what penalties will accompany illegal behaviour. And the YOU here is plural...by which I mean more than two: remember, polyamory is "multiple committed relationships with the knowledge and consent of all involved".

Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert, in their book MORE THAN TWO, have devised a "Relationship Bill of Rights" that is useful for everyone, be they mono or poly.
__________________
THE RELATIONSHIP BILL OF RIGHTS

You have the right, without shame, blame or guilt: 
In all intimate relationships:

to be free from coercion, violence and intimidation
to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want
to revoke consent to any form of intimacy at any time
to be told the truth
to say no to requests
to hold and express differing points of view
to feel all your emotions
to feel and communicate your emotions and needs
to set boundaries concerning your privacy needs 
to set clear limits on the obligations you will make 
to seek balance between what you give to the relationship and what is given back to you
to know that your partner will work with you to resolve problems that arise
to choose whether you want a monogamous or polyamorous relationship
to grow and change 
to make mistakes
to end a relationship

In poly relationships:
to decide how many partners you want
to choose your own partners
to have an equal say with each of your partners in deciding the form your relationship with that partner will take 
to choose the level of time and investment you will offer to each partner 
to understand clearly any rules that will apply to your relationship before entering into it 
to discuss with your partners decisions that affect you 
to have time alone with each of your partners 
to enjoy passion and special moments with each of your partners 

In a poly network:

to choose the level of involvement and intimacy you want with your partners’ other partners
to be treated with courtesy
to seek compromise 
to have relationships with people, not with relationships
to have plans made with your partner be respected; for instance, not changed at the last minute for trivial reasons
to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate
(Veaux, Rickert; source)

I think nearly everybody can agree on the first set, and even the most staunch monogamist can understand how the second set might function. Many people have problems with the third set, specifically the very last point:

to be treated as a peer of every other person, not as a subordinate

One of the most common mistakes people make transitioning from monogamy to polyamory is to draw up a long set of rules and restrictions designed to ensure the primacy of the existing partnership over any other. This seems like a logical thing to do if your object is to ensure the primacy of the existing partnership over any other, right? Unfortunately, logic doesn't always obtain in a world full of emotion.

And sometimes logic just goes right out the window. My favourite two examples of that both concern the RMS TITANIC. If she had rammed that iceberg head on instead of (logically) trying to port around it, she wouldn't have sunk. She'd have been towed into port with her bow heavily damaged, an international laughingstock to be sure, but loss of life would have been minimal, perhaps zero.
Once that iceberg was hit, TITANIC was doomed...but what did Captain Smith order? The watertight doors shut--which had already been done, because it was the logical thing to do. But if those doors had remained open, TITANIC would have sunk on an even keel, taking much longer to do so. She could well still have been afloat when  the CARPATHIA arrived.

Elevating one relationship over another breaks both of Veaux' and Rickert's Rules of Polyamory, to wit:

1. THE PEOPLE IN THE RELATIONSHIP ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN THE RELATIONSHIP
2. DON'T TREAT PEOPLE LIKE THINGS

If you treat people with the love, respect and devotion they deserve, you're likely to get the same treatment in return. This means wherever possible, boundaries should replace rules.

BOUNDARIES VS RULES VS GUIDELINES

The difference is surprisingly simple. A boundary is negotiable; a rule is not; a guideline is a self-imposed rule.

Rules are usually enacted in response to fear and insecurity, and enforced because it's easier than working on that fear and insecurity.  Boundaries can be used to set limits on freedom, but those limits are expected to be discussed and expanded as relationships evolve.

Without getting personal, Eva and I have one rule, one guideline ("don't be a dick") and a few boundaries that are always negotiable. We believe this model will allow us maximum freedom while still respecting each other and our metamours to the utmost degree.

It is not only okay, it is obligatory to express discomfort in relationships. In good ones, regardless of their form,  the expression of discomfort is seen as an opportunity to heal the hurt. If you are in a relationship where it is not okay to express discomfort, that is an abusive relationship, and you need to leave it. Relationships of all kinds imply freedom granted, not denied.