Living Around Anxiety

I am not qualified to speak on living with anxiety. Although I am something of a worry wort, worrying about things isn't the same as generalized anxiety disorder any more than being down in the dumps is like clinical depression. But I'm well versed at this point in living around anxiety, and I'd like to share with you what I've learned.

I've learned that this is hard. Not near as hard as living WITH the disorder, of course, but hard, nonetheless. It's especially difficult when generalized becomes specific: when YOU'RE stressed, yourself. Just imagine: if you feel like this, HE's feeling ten times worse most of the time, and there's no on/off switch you can toggle.

I've learned some tips. I'll start with the nevers.

Never tell someone having a panic attack to calm down. If she could do that, she would, believe me. Likewise, never ask why he's crying. Odds are pretty good that he doesn't know, and if he does, his answer won't be anything helpful.

Generalized anxiety is just that: generalized. In its mildest form, you're uneasy about, well, everything, or close to everything. Further on up the spectrum, you can be reduced to a quivering ball of rage and fear for no apparent reason. If you are the sort of person who relishes control, especially self-control, the mere fact you seem to have lost that control feeds your anxiety exponentially. If, further, you are the sort of person who was raised to believe weakness is some kind of filthy sin, that's another way for anxiety to feed on itself. 

Never minimize the anxiety. All that does is call attention to how "wrong" she is for feeling panicky. That said, it's not productive to join in the "oh, dear" games, either. Allow anxiety to be felt, but don't feed it yourself, if you can help it. This is a tricky, tricky balancing act that you're bound to get wrong the first few dozen times you try.

Don't withdraw, even if you feel useless (and if you're a man, you will). Your mere presence is a calming agent: take that away, and she'll just be anxious and alone and anxious about being alone.

Don't walk on eggshells. That tells the anxiety sufferer that there is indeed something to be terrified of. Also that you think he's made of rice paper, which is just one more thing to batter at his self-esteem.

_______


DO encourage healthy living, ideally together. Don't nag about it, but do encourage it. Exercise, dietary improvements, cutting out caffeine (that's a big one: it provokes panic attacks)--all those tips for a good life that you know in your head but refuse to take to heart because exercise is painful and there's no such thing as good-for-you food that tastes good...doesn't matter. Do it anyway.

Really work on your own mindfulness. You're going for a Zen state: failing that, at least aim for stoicism for yourself. When the shit hits the fan, try to remember above all else that shit washes off, and get scrubbing. If you still feel anxious, by all means express that--but make it crystal clear you're directing it at the situation, not the sufferer.

Do gentle reminders: it's time to take your medication, it's time to eat, it's time for something else that's part of your daily routine. The anxiety sufferer very easily becomes completely dissociated from time. Five minutes can seem like five hours in the grip of a panic attack, and five hours can seem like five minutes of low-grade toxicity.

Love unconditionally. I'd say just "love", but most people don't understand that conditional love isn't actually love at all.

This won't save you from seeing tears (or maybe even shedding them)...but that's okay. The funny thing is this is all good advice for life without anxiety in it.