The Last (Poly) Post

There is a widespread belief among straight people -- older males, especially -- that being gay is all well and good as long as they don't have to look at it. "You don't see straight parades", is the common refrain.
You do, of course, see straight parades. Every day. You don't notice them because they go on beneath the radar. We don't feel the need to support straight people, so the crowds that form around these parades are utterly unaware of them: indeed, they become part of them. Any time a boy hugs a girl or a woman kisses a man in public, that's a float in the Straight Pride parade.

But why is there so much nudity in gay pride parades? You don't see butt-naked straight people walking down the street!

First, let's remember that (contrary to widespread straight opinion) you can't tell who's gay just by looking...unless of course they're doing something gay at the time.  (I'm speaking of course of gay men--we all know that women can grope and smooch their best female friends without anyone thinking twice about their sexuality.)

(And spotting the gay guy isn't near as easy as you'd think...)

Given that, there are two schools of thought on the nudity at Pride parades. One school holds that, since you can't tell who's gay and who isn't, the gay people should make it easy by being as flamboyantly shocking as possible:

"Lois, I'm just warning you, if this movie turns me gay, I'm gonna start bringin' gay guys home. And I don't mean the classy "maybe they are, maybe they're not" gay guys, I mean those big "Oh my God, here they come, floatin' around, makin' noise" gay guys, not the fix up your house gay guys."
--Peter Griffin, Family Guy S5E7

Being gay matters a great deal to proponents of this school of thought. They view themselves as part of a Cause, a Cause that people have died for and continue to die for, and they're going to announce it to the  world, as loudly and proudly as possible. Stark naked? Why not? It's not as if there's anything wrong with being naked.

You think there is, don't you? You think that children should be shielded from nudity. What you don't understand is that you can't shield children from nudity: all they have to do is look down to see it. Maybe you think that nudity is shameful. I find many Christians feel this way. These same Christians will tell you that they were made in the image and likeness of God. If they're ashamed of that likeness, I should think that would be a rather grievous sin.

Hey, as I always say, if God had intended for us to walk around naked, we would have been born that way...

No matter, there's nothing wrong with being naked. Or gay. Or naked AND gay. Or gay AND European (sorry, that song's stuck in my head now).

I have a gay friend who is the headmaster of the other school of thought.  He wouldn't be caught dead at a Pride parade. Not because he's in the closet; not because he's ashamed of being gay; not because he can't acknowledge all the pain and anguish that has gone into making any such thing as a Pride parade necessary in the first place.

No, he won't attend a Pride parade because for him, being gay is inconsequential. It no more merits celebration and pride (or censure and shame) than having red hair or green eyes. He sees no need to shock anyone into dealing with his gayness: he takes it as read that it will be dealt with, and reacts as appropriate to those who can't, or won't accept him.

Some gay people from the other school view his behaviour as ignorant, even treasonous. That doesn't faze him, either. Accept me as I am, he says, whether you are gay or straight. He doesn't draw attention to his sexuality any more than straight people draw attention to theirs, and less than most. His contribution to the Cause is to live his life normally.

It's a huge contribution. I admire him for it.

______________

Being poly is at least a little like being gay.

I don't mean to equate the two: I can't be that crass. As I said above, people are still routinely disinherited, beaten, killed for being gay in many parts of the world. Being poly doesn't compare. I know of evictions and firings and many, many Family and Children's Services investigations (only a few of which have found anything amiss: once you explain the "it takes a village" attitude towards parenting and demonstrate your village is stable, they tend to go away and leave you alone).

But there are several similarities, nonetheless.  I was told it was a phase I was going through. (Hell of a long phase.) There is some debate as to whether polyamory is a choice or not (unlike homosexuality: any people who actually believe being gay is a choice should prove it: just go ahead and choose being gay, say for about a year). The general consensus on poly is that there's a spectrum: some people are hardwired polyamorous, some people are hardwired monogamous, and quite a few people are somewhere in between. Sort of like the Kinsey Scale...except...call it...the Parrot Scale. After Polly the Parrot.
Me, I'm hardwired poly: I've been this way as long as I can remember.

Polyamory is still misunderstood, seen as morally wrong (whose morals?), seen as a threat (to what?).  It's dirty (because people can't seem to get past the sex, and sex is APPLIED nudity: REALLY bad!) And because of all this, many poly folks are in the closet about it with some people, most people, all people outside their polycule. Many others are out and very vocal about it.

You actually see poly people marching in pride parades now. This is from Atlanta, 2013:

(link to relevant article)

and this one is from Antwerp, last year:

(love that slogan: "Love multiplies, not divides")

You're probably wondering what school of thought I fall into when it comes to poly pride. Or, given my advocacy here and on Facebook, you probably think you know.

You WON'T find me marching in a Poly parade any time soon. In fact, I don't plan on any more Breadbin posts on the subject. Some of you may be relieved at that, others disappointed. It doesn't matter.

When I came out, it was all I could do not to turn into a poly blowtorch. I got the tattoo. Everything and anything was actually about polyamory. I wanted to explain every last crook and nanny of it even before I'd explored its near horizons. It's always felt both emotionally and logically right to me, "right" in the sense that a poet would use the word, or an engineer. I wanted everyone to think about polyamory vs. monogamy: by all means choose monogamy, if that is your choice, but make it a CONSCIOUS choice. Don't do it by default, as if it's the only option available.

 My positions in the standard poly debates have never wavered:

• I'm staunchly, VEHEMENTLY, against the one penis policy for the reasons given here: it's sexist as hell and blatantly unfair to boot. 
• I favour non-hierarchical polyamory (and here's where you can see me generating a nice discussion which clarified my thoughts).
• I won't interfere in a committed monogamous relationship. Many poly people have no qualms about doing so, on the very shaky grounds that cheating with somebody isn't the same as cheating on somebody. I feel differently. If I drive the getaway car in a bank robbery, well, sure, I didn't rob the bank myself, but...) Holding this moral high ground can be tough, I won't lie. It's yet another gay parallel: how come all the good ones are straight/monogamous? There are times I wish I didn't have these damned ethics. But if I was to go ahead and break my cardinal rule, I couldn't live with myself afterwards. 

None of this has changed. I still feel just as strongly about all of this as I did two years ago, or twenty years ago. That tat? I'm glad it's there.

But I've said about all I can say over the past nearly two years. At some point, like, oh, about now, it's time to stop talking and start walking. To show all the doubters (I know you're still out there) that this can work...and the best way to do that is to...make it work. 

So I'm shifting gears. I won't deny I'm polyamorous, ever. It'll remain as part of my description both here and on Facebook, and the links to More Than Two and Poly In The News will stay right where they are. Aside from that, though, this should be the last post concerning the topic. From this point on, I'm just me. I'm normal.

Well...I wouldn't quite go THAT far.