PREAMBLE
Two people privately messaged me on Facebook in the past two weeks telling me "it's a shame" I wouldn't be posting any more blogs about polyamory.
Everything I said here is true. I have no least wish to throw my polyamory in people's faces, and there is a great deal to be said for simply living my life quietly and upending assumptions that way.
But also: I got the distinct impression I was making people uncomfortable.
I write primarily for me. But any writer would be a liar if he said he didn't crave feedback. And I've noticed over the last two years that my poly posts have attracted my highest readership numbers...but less than zero reaction.
Now, if I had self-esteem coming out the proverbial wazoo, I would tell myself those posts do such a good job at explaining things and reassuring people I'm not a ravening sex maniac out to sabotage their monogamous relationships that nobody feels the need to comment.
That's not what I tell myself. Instead, I imagine that people don't want to engage on this topic because it disturbs them. And so I thought maybe it's best if I just retire the topic.
Then the aforementioned two people messaged me, and I thought, hmmm. How many others feel the same way?
Last night I read John Michael Greer's latest blog (completely unrelated topic) and saw this:
Straight talk about uncomfortable subjects has been this blog’s bread and butter since I first started posting just shy of ten years ago, so I’ve had some experience with the way that blog readers squirm. Normally, when I touch on a hot-button issue, readers who find that subject too uncomfortable go out of their way to act as though I haven’t mentioned it at all.
ding ding ding
I'd better check. And so I asked on Facebook.
The response was unequivocal. People do want to read about polyamory. Folks who had never before commented on my timeline told me so.
If you're not one of those people who wants to read about polyamory, I'm going to say something very un-Ken-like.
Too bad.
And if you are one of those people and you're looking for prurient private details, to you I ALSO say "too bad". I take privacy seriously.
-------------
DATING WITHIN YOUR SPECIES
There are any number of assumptions monogamous people make about people like me. I've covered several before that have to do with people ignoring one or more elements of the definition of polyamory: the philosophy and practice of maintaining multiple
- committed
- loving
relationships with the
- knowledge
and
- consent
of all involved.
The commitment is probably the biggest thing that gets missed, but it's also kind of incredible how many people insist that it has to be cheating.
But there's a whole other class of assumptions I haven't touched on, that have to do with polyamory in general. Here are a couple:
ASSUMPTION #1: IT FAILS
There is no evidence that monogamy is better in terms of relationship longevity, happiness, health, sexual satisfaction, or emotional intimacy. There is also no evidence that polyamory is better. So you may as well go with what feels best to you – and your partner(s).
Everyone seems to know somebody who tried some sort of open relationship and it went kablooey. Everybody also knows of monogamous relationships that did the same thing: most of us have, in fact, lived through more then one of those. But because poly is 'different', it's seen as inherently unstable. It isn't.
ASSUMPTION #2: IT'S FULL OF DRAMA
Most people imagine that any open relationship must be just chock-full of drama...probably because they can't imagine opening their own without calling down the apocalypse. The reality is that ANY relationship is only as dramatic as the people in it. Drama signals a communication issue, or a respect/trust issue, and that holds true no matter whether you are mono or poly, open or closed.
Polyamory does add some layers of complexity, of course. In a typical mono partnership there are only three relationships:
A
B
AB
(Your relationship with yourself is critical to your relationship with others).
Add just one person and you've suddenly got SEVEN relationships:
A
B
C
AB
AC
BC
ABC
...and it ramps up from there. Of course, not every relationship there must be as close as every other, but the essence of polyamory is that all relationships are recognized and respected.
It can be a challenge. And that's why it's important to date within your species. Mono/poly relationships do exist and can work, but they're Ph.D. level for all involved. Much easier if everyone's maybe not on the same page, but at least in the same book.
Dating sites haven't really figured out polyamory yet.
OKCupid, by far the most poly-friendly of the large dating sites, is just as clueless as any other. Here's how OKCupid works: you answer a whole bunch of questions for yourself, and then indicate what answers to the same questions you would accept from a prospective partner. You select how important the question is to you (a little, somewhat, or very) ... and that's it.
The questions are extremely wide-ranging. Your attitudes on everything from bondage to communism to video games are probed. The site is poly-friendly only because there are questions regarding jealousy (man, some people think it's a necessary component of love!) and open relationships in general. But the bug (or feature) of polyamory is that any single relationship need not provide everything. Unless you're looking for carbon copies of your existing relationship, it poses a bit of an issue.
I hate to use the sexual as an example, because damnit there's more to this than sex, but it really is a perfect illustration.
"Are you kinky?
Everyone seems to know somebody who tried some sort of open relationship and it went kablooey. Everybody also knows of monogamous relationships that did the same thing: most of us have, in fact, lived through more then one of those. But because poly is 'different', it's seen as inherently unstable. It isn't.
ASSUMPTION #2: IT'S FULL OF DRAMA
Most people imagine that any open relationship must be just chock-full of drama...probably because they can't imagine opening their own without calling down the apocalypse. The reality is that ANY relationship is only as dramatic as the people in it. Drama signals a communication issue, or a respect/trust issue, and that holds true no matter whether you are mono or poly, open or closed.
Polyamory does add some layers of complexity, of course. In a typical mono partnership there are only three relationships:
A
B
AB
(Your relationship with yourself is critical to your relationship with others).
Add just one person and you've suddenly got SEVEN relationships:
A
B
C
AB
AC
BC
ABC
...and it ramps up from there. Of course, not every relationship there must be as close as every other, but the essence of polyamory is that all relationships are recognized and respected.
It can be a challenge. And that's why it's important to date within your species. Mono/poly relationships do exist and can work, but they're Ph.D. level for all involved. Much easier if everyone's maybe not on the same page, but at least in the same book.
Dating sites haven't really figured out polyamory yet.
OKCupid, by far the most poly-friendly of the large dating sites, is just as clueless as any other. Here's how OKCupid works: you answer a whole bunch of questions for yourself, and then indicate what answers to the same questions you would accept from a prospective partner. You select how important the question is to you (a little, somewhat, or very) ... and that's it.
The questions are extremely wide-ranging. Your attitudes on everything from bondage to communism to video games are probed. The site is poly-friendly only because there are questions regarding jealousy (man, some people think it's a necessary component of love!) and open relationships in general. But the bug (or feature) of polyamory is that any single relationship need not provide everything. Unless you're looking for carbon copies of your existing relationship, it poses a bit of an issue.
I hate to use the sexual as an example, because damnit there's more to this than sex, but it really is a perfect illustration.
"Are you kinky?
- Bring it on! Break out those whips and chains!
- I'm not all that experienced, but I have an open mind.
- Umm, I really should be going now."
Now, I know how I'd answer that question for myself: my biggest kink (other than being polyamorous, it seems) is just how vanilla I am. But I happen to know two things: 1) there is a HUGE overlap between the poly and kink communities and 2) most kinky people do appreciate vanilla on occasion. So how do I rate that in terms of answers I'll accept from others? And what level of importance is this, really, given that any prospective partner is perfectly free to go exercise their kinks as needed? The same holds true for more innocent things like adventurous eating, or art exhibition vs. academic panel, or what have you. I might have a preference for myself, but I'm not going to impose my preference on you.
You know what *really* stings? The 95% and 96% matches--there are a couple of them like this--who absolutely will not consider an open relationship. I try not to look too closely at those people, because I'll just be wisted away. So much in common, so much to offer...and off limits.
(I won't lie. There are people in my life I wish were poly, But they aren't, and I am, so that's that.)
At any rate. This is part of My Poly Life. Part of who I am, part of how I see the world. I'm not an "either/or", person...I'm more of a "both/and". As such, it suddenly occurs to me that I can still write, passionately, about polyamory AND simply live it quietly as proof it can work.
Thank you, folks, for being willing (in some cases, even eager!) to read my poly prattle.
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