Almost three years ago, I fell in love with a woman named Kathy. We started talking online in May of 2016 and very quickly were welded at the fingertips. The relationship deepened over time to a point where she referred to herself as my "partner, in love and life" here in this blog. I got to spend Christmas with her and her daughter, Jade, this past year, and I've spent two weekends with them since.
This was with Eva's full blessing and support--something I can't understate, since to this day there are people who believe otherwise. Eva has been unbelievably compersive, taking joy in the joy I have felt with Kathy, just as I take joy in the joy she feels with Mark.
Most of you probably know all this.
Yesterday, Kathy and I reached a fork in the road, and diverged. The fact of that was not entirely unexpected. The timing definitely was.
Some people reading this want dirt, and dirt is precisely NOT what I'm about to spill. I love and respect Kathy too much to infringe on her privacy. I can say that she dropped the "it's not you, it's me" bomb -- which in my experience translates to "it's you, but I won't or can't tell you why".
It wasn't her. It was me.
I HAD A DREAM
...and thought it could be made real. For a while, it was. I could wax poetic about Kathy, even now, and it's tempting to. Suffice it to say I never hid my desires for a long term future, because (and I'm sorry for the mush, and no lack of love to Eva)... having met Kathy, I couldn't imagine a day without her in my life in some capacity. Various scenarios had been discussed to allow that eventuality if it materialized, and that's all I'll say about that. She was never comfortable thinking that far ahead, and so I tried to preserve the relationship as it stood, even as it came to no longer serve her.
I'm ashamed to admit I didn't recognize that right away. Sudden divergences are only sudden without the luxury of hindsight: in the long dark overthought nights after, you recognize all the little tells you should have seen three years, three months, or in my case three weeks ago. But I was pretty much oblivious until she told me she was sorry for what she was about to say.
Keeping this squarely centered on me:
I was not the best partner for her. I couldn't be. I knew that going in. I live an hour away, I don't drive, and oh, yeah, I'm married. The first two are eventually fatal in and of themselves UNLESS another partner exists to fill in the time gaps (and that partner has to be accepting of my existence) OR everyone is happy with the status quo. The third--well, Kathy did fully accept Eva's presence and position in my life (and vice-versa, of course)...but it put a real crimp in any future Kathy may have dating someone else.
Most people aren't comfortable with the dynamics, and can you blame them? It takes a unique set of traits plus actual experience to make polyamory work. It's not fair to Kathy to limit her to other polyamorous people, which means that as inevitable as our falling-together once felt to both of us, our falling-apart was equally inevitable.
I can not express how much I'm hurting right now, and how much I'm going to miss what I thought we had. I'm castigating myself for not letting go enough, not letting things just be. I needed to write this to let you, my readers know why Kathy will no longer be featured here.
I wish her every happiness, and I do hope she finds it in her heart to keep me in that heart just a little bit. Not interacting with her, after years of unlimited sharing, is sheer torture for me right now. I hope that changes.
I love her. I always did and I always will.
No comments:
Post a Comment