MY Rules for Life

I want to make something very clear going in. These are my rules. They work for me. If they work for you, too, great. They may not, and that's okay too.

I say this because people like Jordan "incel Kermit" Peterson have written "rules for life" that, whatever you think of their validity, come across as one-size-fits-all, follow-this-list-and-you'll-never-have-a-problem-again. This is not only false: it's also dangerous. 

The other thing I need to admit up front, ironically, is almost the opposite. There's nothing even remotely original here. People have been writing rules for life at least since the ancient Greeks and probably much longer. I've long felt apart from the world, and yet there's little I can say that hasn't been said a thousand times. 

So why am I doing this? Because although I doubt you'll discover some piece of wisdom you've never seen in here, you'll probably notice that at least a few of them aren't often found in lists of this type. I believe...I have believed since I was practically a toddler...that the world we live in is fundamentally....what's the medical term?...FUCKING NUTS. And yet I see so many people just accepting it all, living by rules that only make it worse. 

Finally; many of these aren't even original to me. The people who have dropped nuggets of wisdom into my life -- some of them long term friends, some bare acquaintances, should be recognized. 

For  instance, a former colleague of mine named Justin once said this: "I find assuming best intent is good for my mental health." I may never see Justin again, but his admonition is something I have cause to think of nearly every day. 

ASSUME BEST INTENT. There's a lot of less than best intent out there, and the worst cases should be avoided when possible. But people live up or down to the level of trust you put in them: assuming best intent can assure best intent. Thank you, sir. 

LOOK BELOW THE SURFACE. The surface of the ocean betrays little of its depth. The same is true of people. I will maintain with my dying breath that what someone looks like is absolutely the least important part of who they are.

BE TRUE TO WHO YOU ARE, ALWAYS. Inconsistency is hypocrisy. Of course, that does not mean never grow and never change: it means being, in Harry Chapin's words, "good tired". 

I aspire to say "I am good tired, and they can take me away" on my deathbed.

SLOW DOWN. This is something I've strongly believed and followed since childhood. This world moves too goddamn fast, and speed is a virtue. Bollocks and poppycock, says I. You move too fast, you miss things. The musical inspiration here is Leonard Cohen.

"I always liked it slow, I never liked it fast

With you it's got to go, with me it's got to last

It's not because I'm old, it's not because I'm dead

I've always liked it slow, that's what my momma said."

BUDGET THE LUXURIES FIRST. This is advice direct from Robert A. Heinlein and it's more important than you think. Note: Said "luxuries" may not cost much at all. But if you don't have a treat, even a little treat, every now and again, you will resent it. Related to this: every once in a while, do something for you regardless of how others might feel about the thing. Eat the food you love that others look at you side-eyed for enjoying. 

From my dear old man who shares my name: IF YOU HAVE TO SAY SOMETHING AND YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY IT, OR HOW IT WILL BE TAKEN, SAY IT WRONG. THEN AT LEAST YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO EDIT.

Pro tip: warn your conversation partner first. My dad came out with this when I was in my early teens. It shocked me more than a little because Dad, at the time, felt to me like a man who would bottle his feelings up rather than run the risk of expressing them poorly. This advice is a big reason I don't do that.

PICK YOUR BATTLES. Clichéd, I know, but I see so many people up in arms over the tiniest shit. May I respectfully suggest that if your every day is that much of a battle, you consider retreating from the frontlines before you're KIA? Eva has learned over 25 years that when I do put my foot down, it's DOWN. It doesn't go down often, because (a) we're compatible and (b) there isn't all that much I am irrevocably opposed to. 

LEARN HOW TO LIVE WITH YOURSELF. Important even if you're married (though I am the first person to admit that, childless, I have less than zero clue how parents can do this). There are aspects to this: learning to live with solitude, learning to live with silence, becoming self-sufficient...all very important.

THE JOURNEY IS THE DESTINATION. I feel like this is almost lost wisdom in our helter-skelter society. I know people who, when going somewhere, actively resent the trip, only daring to be happy once they've arrived wherever they're going. This strikes me as very much wrongheaded. Take the back roads. Get lost every now and again: you'll never know what you find until you're lost. Go to places you've never been and explore them.

NEVER STOP LEARNING. This need not be formal learning or even "book larnin', although that never hurt anyone. The way I see it, your partner should share your values and vision; your friends need only share your values. Plumb their visions. You'll learn so much and they'll love you for it. 

STOP CARING WHAT OTHERS THINK.  This is hard, at least for me. But it used to be harder.  You have to be comfortable with the idea that people might willfully misunderstand you...and misrepresent you to others. The older you get, the less that matters. I know this is impossible to believe for any stray teens reading this...but it is true. 

PEOPLE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THAN RELATIONSHIPS.  Want solid relationships? Don't force them. Concentrate on being the best person you can be for your partner, and let the relationship take you where it will. I bet you'll find your relationships are deeper.

WHENEVER POSSIBLE, CHOOSE LOVE.