Reason 4,852,971 why I am not a Catholic

My father has told all and sundry that there will be no tears at his funeral. He once mentioned that he wanted one of those remote-control laughing boxes to be placed in the coffin with him whereupon somebody would trigger it at a particularly dramatic moment in the sermon. Knowing Dad, I suspect he'll go further: a fart machine, perhaps, maybe his recorded voice informing the congregation that although he's been sent to hell, he luckily brought a fire hose with him and now it's one big party down there.
My personal attitude towards death is that it's just another part of life. I'm not afraid of it in the slightest and do not understand why so many are. Why fear something that every single human being is sure to experience? It's like being afraid of eating.
At my funeral, whenever it comes, I hope people find good things to say about me. I hope there will be joy and laughter. I'd like a musical collage of my life played for everyone, perhaps starting with Music Box Dancer (one of the first piano pieces I ever learned how to play). Somewhere in there I'd like this song inserted:

I'm still young, but I know my days are numbered
1234567 and so on
But a time will come when these numbers have all ended
And all I've ever seen will be forgotten

[CHORUS]Won't you come
To my funeral when my days are done
Life's not long
And so I hope when I am finally dead and gone
That you'll gather round when I am lowered into the ground

When my coffin is sealed and I'm safely 6 feet under
Perhaps my friends will see fit then to judge me
Oh when they pause to consider all my blunders
I hope they won't be too quick to begrudge me
If I should die before I wake up
I pray that the Lord my soul will take but
My body, my body - that's your job

I can't be sure where I'm headed after death
To heaven, hell, or beyond to that Great Vast
But if I can I would like to meet my Maker
There's one or two things I'd sure like to ask

--"At My Funeral", the Crash Test Dummies

If I was still a member in good standing of the Holy Roman Catholic Church, there'd be little chance of frivolity at my funeral. Or secular music. Or eulogies. According to the Vatican, "When Christians gather for the funeral Mass, we do so to praise God the Father. We gather not to praise the deceased but to pray for them. For this reason, eulogies are not given."

Move along, folks, nothing to see here, just another High Mass praising God the Father. Never mind that body up there: just a common sinner. God's judging him as we speak: he'll get his, never you worry.

This is wrongheaded on so many levels I don't even know where to begin.

IT DENIES A VITAL PART OF THE GRIEVING PROCESS. Publically enumerating the virtues of the deceased (even if, especially if, those virtues were somewhat. shall we say, "hidden" in life) is a wonderful tribute and a way to recognize our common bonds as humans. Ever been to a funeral for someone you weren't, let's be honest, particularly fond of, only to hear a collection of eulogies that completely changes your understanding?
'PRAISING GOD' IS DONE EVERY SUNDAY. Just how needy is this Deity, anyway? Besides, it is well beyond the spiritual capacity of most people to praise the Lord when, according to their understanding, the Lord has just taken their mother, daughter, sister, friend. (I believe that on some level--not always a conscious level--we select the day of our death, not God, but that's just me.)
THE EMOTIONAL TONE OF THE FUNERAL IS RUINED. Even the most devout are unlikely to appreciate High Mass in the midst of their grief. Oh, I get the subtext, the "let go and let God" I used to hear so often when I was a Christian. And I understand that there can be comfort in ritual. But when that ritual is not allowed to be personalized--when every funeral is as cookie-cutter as every other--well, to my mind at least, the whole point is lost.
WE NEED TO 'PRAY' FOR THE DECEASED? What possible good could that do? They're dead. I thought God judged people based on what they did when they were alive, not what a bunch of worthless sinners said about them afterwards.
Actually, not to put too fine a point on it, but I know...I don't believe, I know...that God does not judge anyone, the quick or the dead. Something that is described as all-loving does not judge, by definition. I don't care what your Bibles say--only a God that Man invented would judge people, judgment being one of the things we humans are so very good at. I've said this before, and I will keep saying it, because to my mind it's one of the biggest stumbling blocks we have thrown in front of ourselves. 'God-fearing', indeed. I thought we were supposed to fear "the Devil", not God. See? I'm just not cut out for this stuff.
THIS CAME FROM THE VATICAN. You know, that place where the Pope dwells. The same Pope who speaks with the authority of God...but only when he's in church.
Unlike many, I don't think it's the height of arrogance to suggest that somebody speaks for God. What I find arrogant is the belief that God only communicates through one vessel--the Pope--ultimately with only one group of people, the Holy Roman Catholic Church.
The voice of God can come from anywhere. I've heard it in music. I've heard it in silence. I've heard it from the mouth of an enemy. I've heard it from many people I love dearly.
I've routinely heard it at every funeral I've ever attended...during the eulogies...