The number of times I have written these exact words...either "'thinkin' about you" (complete with apostrophe, even!), or "just checkin' in"...it's almost daily, I'd say. Couple that with the neediness I've been dissecting (and trying to do away with) over the past two months and it's enough to make me take a few steps back and question myself.
There are three people on Facebook with whom I have daily, or close to it, contact. I don't have to hesitate for an instant to say I love all three of them. A lot. These are people I would move heaven and earth to help if the need arose (and I hope they know that). The thing about Facebook friends is that...I don't see any of these people often enough due to geographical, schedule and other issues. That's where Facebook has been a godsend for me: maintaining the connection, which I do find I need. (I'm not counting here the first-tier friend of mine, my best man when I married Eva, who has a Facebook account but barely uses it; that friendship is maintained over a couple of thousand miles by weekly telephone calls that have taken place over two decades now.)
There's a second tier of friends, numbering about ten, whom I have less contact with, but for whom I care quite deeply. The boundaries of those friendships have just sort of naturally evolved over time and they largely have to do with how often these people contact me. There's that passivity again, that unwillingness to stick my neck out lest it be chopped off. That said, at this point those relationships seem comfortable all around right where they are.
Then there's the third tier of friends. I think most people on Facebook have at least a few friends that they never, or almost never, have any contact with. Why are they there? I can't say I'm not immune to using them for network purposes--Facebook is, after all, a social network--but I'd do the same for them without question, and I hope they know that. It's really this third category of friends to which I'm wondering if that poster applies. That's bothering me, because it's just so... so crass.
As one friend just remarked to me, "You will know who are true friends and who aren't. The same goes for your friends. You know who uses you and who doesn't." For sure. There's nothing wrong with being used, on occasion...when that's the sole purpose of the "friendship", mind you, there's something wrong. Especially if there's no reciprocity: any friendship should have a balance of give and take in it. There may not be much give there...but if there's not much take either, is there any harm?
Friends are funny things. As Stephen King memorably said in "The Body", "they drift in and out of your life like busboys in a restaurant". It took me a long time to grasp the inherent lesson in this: that the success of a relationship is not necessarily measured in longevity. Even a relationship that fails spectacularly could be deemed a success if it taught you something in the failing.
The thing is, too, that every one of my first-tier friends (including the chief of them all, the offline friend that is the woman I married) was at some point an acquaintance, then someone I was in like with. In a couple of instances the progression was remarkably rapid...but it was there; no steps were skipped.
I have found it especially difficult to keep friends in my life who have transitioned downwards. I admire people who can break up and "stay friends". I can still truthfully say I love the people who once shared my life, even if that love has long curdled...but I don't blame them one bit for not sharing the emotion and wanting to put as much distance between me and them as they possibly can. Sometimes, in the interest of love, either love for each other or self-love, you realize you've reached the end of a road.
If I ever say to you, on Facebook or anywhere else, "just checkin' in, thinkin' about you'"...it's because I am and was. And regardless of where I think you fit or where you think I fit, if you tell me life is sucking and you need an ear...you've got one, okay?
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