Trust

I'm a trusting person, until I'm given a reason not to be.

I find that makes interacting with other people much easier than the alternative, distrusting everyone on sight and forcing them to jump through hoops to earn trust. Because people tend to live up or down to the level of trust you place in them.

I've worked in retail for most of my life. Places that had strict policies indicative of a lack of trust in their employees also had a major problem with employee theft. It's easy to say the random bag searches and the distrustful attitude is a result of the theft problem. It's also a cause. People will find a way to steal. Particularly if they're being treated like thieves already.

You should go here and read about how Norway treats its convicted criminals. Even murderers are treated with compassion and offered every opportunity to improve themselves. Contrast the prevailing attitude in our part of the world, that criminals are scum and once they've committed a serious offence--or even committed an "offence" like smoking or selling a plant...they're un-rehabilitatable. That's a self-fulfilling prophecy: recidivism rates bear that out. Granted, the stats in the article linked above are (a) for the UK and (b) eight years old. But UK's re-conviction rate for freed prisoners was more than seventy percent. That prison in Norway that looks like a cross between a resort and a monastery? Sixteen percent.

People live up or down to the level of trust you place in them.

This holds true in relationships, too. Trust is even more important in a marriage or partnership: it's a fundamental part of love. Without trust, love can not exist.

I personally know of two cases where jealous partners, convinced their partners were cheating on them at every turn, eventually were cheated on. It's not all that hard to justify: if you're being tarred with that brush, accused of cheating day in and day out, having your emails and cellphone messages subject to random inspections by your partner for signs of the affair you're having, required to call and check in everywhere you go multiple times a day....sooner or later you're going to decide to reap the benefits. Maybe not with the person your partner suspects, but with somebody.  Even if you don't, relationships in which one or both partners are neurotically insecure are neither healthy or happy.

I have never, not once, been seriously tempted to break the trust my wife has in me. I'm a functional male and fantasies come standard on my make and model. But fantasies need not be acted upon: in fact, most of them shouldn't be. They so rarely live up to themselves. (Surprised to hear that from a self-proclaimed polyamorous person? You shouldn't be. I would say that trust is actually more important in poly relationships simply by virtue of there being more involved parties whose trust can be broken).

"It's not you I don't trust, it's him/her".

Nope, sorry, bzzt. You may not trust some woman you think might have designs on your man... but if you trust your man, you know he won't put himself in a position to be designed.
Now, Eva and I have a difference of opinion on this. She believes that women are devious and have some sort of (never adequately explained) magical power that can transform the most loyal man into mincemeat. I've been on the lookout for this magical power ever since and haven't seen any signs of it. Any man (or woman) that cheats does so quite willingly, is my take on it. It takes two people to betray trust and in my view both are equally guilty when it happens.

In relationships, jealousy is usually the emotion that corrodes trust. In larger contexts, I believe, another form of fear is at cause. If you don't trust your employees,  it may be because they don't trust you.  you know it, and your fear the consequences. That's another thing about trust and distrust: they feed off each other. Niggling suspicion will turn into dead certainty very easily. Certainly our prison systems run on fear. The guards fear the inmates, the inmates are expected to fear the guards, and of course the inmates fear each other. That's not an environment wherein much of anything worthwhile can take place.

I actually really like those seven reasons employees don't trust their leaders and I think those seven reasons can easily be adapted to interpersonal relationships:

1) A lack of courage: you see this when excuses are found to keep a relationship from growing. It clearly exhibits a lack of trust in the relationship.

2) Hidden agendas: the presence of these is easily detected by most, even if the agendas themselves aren't. If you're not privy to your partner's important thoughts about your partnership, it's natural to wonder just what those might be and how they might differ from yours.

3) Self-centered: this is a classic sign of neurotic insecurity. "I don't want to blow my own horn, but I want other people to". "Enough about me...what do you think about me?" At some point you have to wonder if there's any room for another ego in there.

4) Reputation Issues: If you start hearing bad things about your partner from more than one other person you trust...there's usually a good reason for that.

5) Inconsistent behaviour: Are you treated like royalty one day, shunned and ignored the next? Beware.

6) Don't get their hands dirty: Relationships take work. It doesn't feel like work when you're committed to one, but it's work nonetheless. And if you're the only one working,...

7) Lack a generous purpose: As Heinlein famously defined it,  "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." Mutual love is when both parties look out for themselves by looking out for each other. If that fades, trust will inevitably fade with it.


If you are not a trusting person, ask yourself why. It may be that someone has betrayed your trust in the past: lack of trust is then understandable and forgivable (but should still be corrected...just because one person hurt you does not mean that anyone else, let alone everyone else, will.) You may actually have legitimate reason to believe your trust is being, or is about to be, betrayed: in which case you should talk calmly and without accusation (which only tends to put people on the defensive and which may actually plant an idea they didn't have until you accused them of having it).

Those seven relationship flaws up there can all be fixed, though if you feel three or more apply you might consider whether the best way to fix the relationship is to blow it up. In any event, the way to fix a broken relationship is to TALK about it. That can take courage, especially when you suspect there are problems...but you'll save yourself a whole lot of heartache down the road by communicating.

I've only been married fourteen years. I may not be qualified to offer advice on relationships. However, my marriage is exceptionally strong and not being qualified never stopped me before.