Hey, you. Been a long while since I logged into Facebook. I will offer a genuine apology, but I mean that in the "defense" sense and not the "I messed up" sense. I'm truly sorry -- and not sorry enough to come back. Settle in. Imma get personal.
I’ve long since abandoned a belief in the Christian God. My personal philosophy is that whatever you believe in is true. For you. So essentially I believe in a Christian God for Christians along with a heaven and a hell, if you're one of those Christians who believes in hell. If you believe in the Buddha, I'm clapping one hand with you. There's a meme that goes around Facebook periodically -- Ken always tells me, because I could have written it. It's about the Grim Reaper, and how he gets a bad rap that's totally undeserved. All that guy does is guide you to your afterlife. It's not like he kills you or anything. He's the H.R. of the Beyond. "Okay, Joshua, says here you were a Christian. Heaven's three doors down on the -- wait, Catholic. FOUR doors down on the right." "Maureen, agnostic, eh? C'mon in here and have a seat, we'll discuss your options."
Do you understand what I mean? I believe that my essence, my soul if you will, will be released to the universe when I die. I’ll understand things I never thought about. I'll be able to do things I can't do in this life. To be able to let go and forgive. To be at peace. To go anywhere in the universe with the power of a thought.
I used to believe in God and when my aunt died in an accident it started to shake my faith. I had a boyfriend at the time, a man I thought I'd marry, and he went off and married the Church instead, so then I didn't just disbelieve in faith, I was almost jealous of it. I ended up leaving the Church, and David.
Fast forward to the day I started on a job that I ended up loving for a little over 10 years. This goes somewhere, I promise. Anyway, I met this beautiful, shy, sensitive young woman named Erin. I grew a bit close to her, close enough that I remember her first date with the man she would later marry and have babies with. We grew apart when I left, and then reconnected through LinkedIn and of course Facebook. Not "meeting in person" close, but catch up every once in a while close. I watched her announce her babies. vicariously revelling in her accomplishments.
And one day she announced her breast cancer diagnosis.
She fought like a wildcat to beat it. Ran marathons, the whole nine yards. Then she started to get headaches. They didn’t post much after that.
The last time I logged into Facebook I saw it was her birthday. And right under her birthday notice was her obituary. And I snapped. She left behind her young family. I couldn’t take one more minute of the whole thing.
Next month my Durga tattoo will finally be finished. Durga is a Hindu warrior goddess I deeply respect and identify with. Ken will have a blog up with pictures and meanings, but for now, let's just say Durga is a demon slayer. I had to earn her, and earning her took half a lifetime and many demons slain myself.
Most of you know I have disabilities. Not going to go into it. But I’m happier not going on social media. Happier not worrying about it. I already give far too much attention to what is in my head. Like another meme Ken told me about says, "face your demons, but don't go demon hunting." No offence to my friends here, but Facebook itself is a demon, and it's not MY demon.
So I don’t log in. But that doesn’t mean I don’t love you. I do. I’m doing OK. Durga's helping me.