Saturday, August 22, 2020

So I think we're done here...

Sixteen years and three months is a long time to keep a blog.

I have outlasted every single blogging friend I have, most by more than a decade. I am far from proud of every post. Many of them, particularly in the first six or seven years, make me cringe. But there is also some damn fine writing in here, if I do say so myself. I know when I have a good one: I don't have to stop to think about it. I just type.

I have threatened to quit before. I find that more and more, I can't think of anything to write I haven't written six or seven times already. There are entire paragraphs reproduced word for word. Department of Redundancy Department, Pointless Duplication and Needless Repetition Division, Pete Repeat, Manager. Always I would flounce away in a huff, only to come back a week or two later and say "oh, and another thing..."

But I found out this past week that six years of intermittent blogs, all written to promote understanding, promoted nothing of the sort. That's disheartening, but I suppose I shouldn't be all that surprised. Regardless, finding that out pushed my decision to shut this place down from probable to certain. I never cared if anyone read this thing, but I do care if people MISread it. 

I have clamped down a good deal on my personal life in the last year. Henceforth I shall clamp down completely, so I can no longer be accused of pushing an agenda or flaunting my immorality. Because apparently I'm living the opposite of a moral life. 
I'm not gong to defend myself any more. Think what you want, it can't be any clearer that you will, anyway. 

I was warned about this. I can't say I wasn't. Stupid naive idealism strikes again. Hey, the more feelings I put out there and unpack for everyone, the more likely my sincerity will shine through and people might understand me a little better. Nope, nope, put that away, we don't want to see it. It scares us, it offends us, we don't understand it no matter how many times you try to explain it. 

Well, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result. I figure it's time to take my meds.

I didn't post anything to Facebook for four consecutive days this week. It felt good. On day one, I had to restrain myself from putting up a bunch of stupid puns of the sort I used to share without thought. On day two, there were fewer of them and what remained wasn't funny. On day three, I actually went looking for things to post and couldn't find anything. And on day four, I figured I'd put one  pun out there, just so people didn't think I was dead. (Days two and four saw friends of mine post puns to my timeline. Although I had posted both of them before, I got the point. I have an obligation to make people laugh. 

So I'll keep doing that. I do revel in the groans and rolling eye emojis and "Jesus Christ, Breadners". 

I don't have an obligation to share my immoral life with anyone but the people who choose to share it with me, and so I'm not doing that any more. Let your imaginations run wild! 

It's worth noting I read two novels last week. I can't remember the last time I read two novels in a week. Twenty years ago, that would have been a standard week, maybe even a little light. It's astonishing how much time I wasted scrolling, scrolling, scrolling, keep that cursor rolling, look! a meme that made me scream! I must share so people care! 


I want to sincerely thank the readers, new and old. who have stuck with me and especially those who have engaged with me over the years. Special shout out to a woman named Karen that I'm unlikely ever to meet in real life, but whose comments and compassion have meant a great deal to me. 

Thank you, everyone. 


karen said...

I'll be sorry if you never write again.
And I hope you don't shut it down completely, in case you want it for something later. You used to like to write didn't you?
On the other hand, I haven't read two books a month for several years now, and I spend too much time on Fb myself and, well, you know what I have done with my blog. So I understand wanting to give it up. And wanting to live offline too.

I don't think you are immoral or living an immoral life. I think you are on the front edge of change. I think too many of our historical societal norms are damaging, coercive, imprisoning. Change is all we can count on, I think.

I'm sorry you feel discouraged.

Ken Breadner said...

Karen, thank you for that. I haven't stopped writing entirely, and I may blog again, but if I do, it will be under another masthead. The Breadbin had several purposes at its outset: one was to put me in touch with myself and another was to help people understand me. I am as in touch with myself as I will ever get, and if people don't understand me at this juncture, I have to believe the fault is not mine.